BLENDED FAMILY...Building a Life Together

Kim Kardashian Talks Blended Family: 'It's Like The Brady Bunch On Crack'

2011-10-09T23:13:00.000-07:00

Kardashian sisters Kim, Khloe, and Kourtney stopped by the "Late Show" Tuesday night to clear David Letterman's confusion about their large, blended family.

"I saw the other night you were sitting around at Bruce Jenner's house. Why were you at Bruce Jenner's house?" Letterman asked.

"That's our stepdad, and my mom is married to him and has been married to him for 20 years," Khloe explained.

Newlywed Kim broke it down even further: "He has four kids, my mom had four kids before they got married, so that was eight, and they have two together. It’s like the Brady Bunch on crack."

Kardashian matriarch Kris Jenner, who recently joined the cast of "The Talk," was married to O.J. Simpson's lawyer Robert Kardashian Sr. for twelve years before they split in 1990. She married former Olympian Bruce Jenner in 1991.

Source:http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/09/07/kim-kardashian-family_n_952534.html

Estate Planning for Blended Families

2010-09-05T20:26:00.000-07:00

In conjunction with Sagemark Consulting, a division of Lincoln Financial Advisors, a registered investment advisor. Mr. Chazin is a regular contributor to PlannerConnect.

In a "traditional" estate plan, each spouse provides for his or her assets (or most of the assets) to pass to the surviving spouse, with the understanding that those assets will go to their children at the surviving spouse's death. This planning approach may work well when the spouses have only been married once - to each other - and the only children involved are the ones they have together.

But it can spell disaster if your family is one of the many today that doesn't fit this traditional definition. For couples with children from prior marriages, a better approach is to sort out what's "yours, mine, and ours" and plan accordingly so neither your spouse nor your children are unintentionally disinherited. Think carefully and objectively about potential conflicts, future needs, and human nature. The following strategies may help in your planning.

Preliminaries

Most estate plans have two goals: (1) to spell out whom should receive assets and (2) to reduce or minimize taxes on the estate. The first goal generally can be accomplished through:

&bullA will (if you don't have one, you should contact your legal advisor and have one written),

&bullPremarital agreements (a will alone may be insufficient if your spouse challenges it),

&bullProper titling of any property you and your spouse acquire during marriage, and

&bullBeneficiary designations for life insurance policies, annuities, employer-sponsored retirement plan benefits, and IRAs.

The second goal is more difficult to achieve. Reducing or minimizing estate taxes - which in 2006 can be as high as 46% at the federal level - without cheating any family members usually calls for more sophisticated strategies. These planning strategies often rely on trust arrangements to make optimal use of the federal credit and the unlimited marital deduction. The credit lets you pass a certain amount of assets to anyone you choose, free of estate and gift tax. This amount - the credit equivalent - is $2 million in 2006. Under the Economic Growth and Tax Relief Reconciliation Act of 2001, the estate tax credit equivalent is scheduled to increase gradually, reaching $3.5 million in 2009. The estate tax is repealed in 2010, but returns in 2011, with a credit equivalent of $1 million. Unlike the estate tax credit equivalent, the gift tax credit equivalent is not scheduled to increase above $1 million.

With the marital deduction, you can give your spouse an unlimited amount of assets transfer tax- free during your lifetime or at death. So, if you leave your entire estate outright to your surviving spouse, no federal estate tax will be due on your estate at your death. By doing so, though, you relinquish any control over who will receive the assets at your spouse's death. Moreover, when your spouse dies, the assets that remain will be included in his or her federal estate for estate-tax purposes. Other strategies might better accomplish your objectives.

QTIP Trusts

One way to make use of the marital deduction and control who will receive your assets after your spouse's death is to create a Qualified Terminable Interest Property (QTIP) trust in your will. With a QTIP trust, the assets are held in trust for the use of your spouse, but pass to whomever you have chosen when your spouse dies - your children, for example. As long as the trust meets these requirements, it will qualify for the marital deduction:

&bullYour surviving spouse must be entitled to all trust income, payable annually or more frequently, for life.

&bullNo person can have a power to appoint trust property to anyone other than your spouse while your spouse is alive.

&bullYour executor (or personal representative) must elect to treat the trust as QTIP property.

Your spouse's estate may have to pay federal estate tax on the assets, but the assets themselves must be distributed as you have directed in your QTIP trust agreement.

A Two-Part Estate Plan

A QTIP trust isn't the answer for everyone, though. In cases where a person with adult children from a previous marriage has a considerably younger second spouse, the children may have to wait a long time before they can benefit from the QTIP assets. A better way may be to divide your estate into two parts. You give the first part to your children, either outright or in a trust that takes advantage of your federal credit. The credit will offset some or all of the tax on these assets, depending on the amount you leave to your children.

The second part of your estate is placed in a trust that qualifies for the marital deduction, such as a QTIP trust. Your estate pays no federal tax on this transfer because of the marital deduction. When your spouse subsequently dies, the assets that remain will be included in his or her gross estate. However, your spouse's credit may be available to shelter all or part of those assets from tax.

Life Insurance Trusts

An irrevocable life insurance trust is another strategy you might use to pass wealth to select family members. With a life insurance trust, you transfer money to the trust and the trustee buys a life insurance policy on your life. The trust is the owner and beneficiary of the policy. At your death, your trustee collects the insurance proceeds and either manages them for your children or other trust beneficiaries or distributes them as you have directed in your trust agreement. As long as the trust is properly structured, the life insurance proceeds won't be subject to federal estate tax.

Lifetime Gifts

Making gifts to children or others now gives you complete control over who will receive your assets and lets you share in the enjoyment of your generosity. Thanks to the gift-tax annual exclusion, for 2006, you can give any number of people up to $12,000 each in assets ($24,000, if your spouse joins in the gift) free of federal gift tax. The amount of these gifts also will be removed from your federal estate for estate-tax purposes. Many people use the annual exclusion to give assets that are appreciating in value. Then, both the current value of the gift and any future appreciation escape federal gift and estate taxes.

When a Business Is Involved

Transferring a business interest requires additional planning. You can pass your business to children or other family members by:

&bullBringing in a child or other relative as a co-owner who will buy your share of the business at your retirement or death,

&bullSelling the business to family members now in installments,

&bullMaking lifetime gifts of company stock to them, or

&bullLeaving stock to the family members who will continue the business.

Each of these possibilities has different tax consequences that you should discuss with your legal advisor and tax consultant.

If you plan to sell your business to a family member, a buy-sell agreement may be the answer to your succession planning needs. A buy-sell agreement:

&bullProvides for an orderly transfer of the business,

&bullPermits family members and other present owners to continue in their business roles after your disability, retirement or death,

&bullAllows a fair market price for the business to be agreed upon today,

&bullProvides a plan to fund the purchase, and

&bullLets you plan your estate and taxes ahead of time.

Life insurance is a popular way to provide the cash needed to complete the buyout. You also can use life insurance to provide your family with the funds needed to pay estate taxes or to provide for your spouse if your business is your major asset and you transfer it to you children.

Everyone's situation is different. The strategies discussed here may or may not fit your situation. Please consult a professional advisor before implementing any of the approaches we have discussed. Even the smallest of mistakes can undo your estate planning efforts and jeopardize your family's future financial security.

And here is the rest of it.

About the Author:

David Chazin is a fee-based financial planner with Sagemark Consulting. His practice focuses on providing his clients with a comprehensive solution to their financial needs. He delivers objective, strategic, and prudent advice designed to help his clients accumulate, retain and transfer wealth. This typically involves developing a customized, fully comprehensive financial plan identifying issues that need to be addressed and outlining steps that need to be taken. David then helps his clients implement the recommended strategies to best reach their financial goals, giving them a great deal of personal attention and adapting their plan to fit their ever-changing lives.

From Single Parenthood to Blended Family - One Woman's Journey

2010-02-28T18:16:00.000-08:00

I started my single parent journey a little over 8 years ago in what then seemed a somewhat unconventional manner. I turned 35 and realized that it was very unlikely that I would meet someone to have a family with before it was too late. I did some research and found an organization, Single Mothers by Choice (SMC). I was inspired by this growing demographic of women who, like me, had focused on their careers, hadn't met the right person, and hadn't wanted to compromise for the sake of having a child. All of us still wanted to have children, most of us were college educated and financially stable. All of us were either considering whether to have a child on our own, or had made the decision and were starting the process, or were already mothers. We turned to each other for support and community, and our kids knew that there were others out there like them, in this relatively new family structure.

As I sit down to write this today, I am in a different part of my journey as a parent. Having made the choice to be a parent all those years ago, I made the decision a little while ago to be with the man who I believe is my soul mate, to blend my little family with his much larger one. With that choice has come some challenges, some anticipated, some not really foreseen, but most importantly it has been a time of personal growth. In my journey as an SMC the strengths that I used to help me to be an effective single parent have turned out to be the source of both the challenges and rewards in blending my family with Steve's. They are skills that needed refining and reconsidering. With every challenge, I've learned something about both myself and the rest of my family, and with every challenge my journey has been enriched.

One of the biggest transitions has been to do with communication. My communication style is direct and logical. That worked well for me in my career, and in my much smaller single parent family. As an SMC I didn't have to communicate with anyone else, except for my son. I've always been very open with him, he knows the story of how he was conceived and he's always known he didn't have a Dad. I have answered any of his questions very clearly, partly because the situation was clear, and also because I have always believed that children need clarity.

However, as we've been blending our families over the last 12 months, I've found myself paralyzed at times, and less able to take the same approach. Steve has three kids (12, 15 and 16) and in trying to navigate the transition with them, as well as being sensitive to the amount of change that has taken place in their lives over the last few years, I found myself not quite knowing how to explain our new family structure. Early on Steve's daughter told him that she wasn't sure how to think about my son and me. Steve's response was to listen, empathize, and tell her that he knew she would figure it out. Mine would have been to explain about step parents, step siblings, different kinds of families, etc. Many months later when she asked about the story of my son's conception, I was able to explain about different family structures (single families, blended families, etc), and say that the more people in the world to love you, the better. That approach seemed to be what was needed at that point, just as Steve's approach had been what she needed earlier on. So we all learned something in our respective journeys about finding the right time and right way to say the right thing, and being aware of the impact of that on everyone in the family.

Another example of this is that until recently my son still referred to Steve's children as his friends, so I suggested to him that he might consider them as family, as step brothers and a step sister. He was initially baffled and resistant, which is funny, because he loves them to death, and I know he always wanted siblings. It's really hard, though, to figure out when and how to explain family structures. The approach that I took as an SMC, with only my son in our relatively simple family structure, was in some ways easier (at least when he was younger) than it is to explain our current family structure, what the relationships are, how everyone fits in, etc, and still stay sensitive to the amount of change that everyone has gone through over the last year or more.

Also a challenge is how to define Steve's relationship to my son, a challenge that is different from blended families where there are two parents in each family. It's much easier to explain my relationship to his kids - they have a Mom that loves them very much, I'm their Stepmom, and the roles are clear. Steve's therapist told him before we started living together that he would be my son's Dad, not his Stepdad, because he doesn't have a Dad. Technically all of that is true, but how do you explain to a 7 year old, who you told yesterday that he doesn't have a Dad, that today he does? And how do you do that while also being sensitive to Steve's kids, that their Dad is now someone else's Dad too, someone they're only just getting to know? It's very tricky...children are very perceptive about the behaviors of adults, sensitive to changes, and transitions. It's only recently that we've landed on Steve being his Stepdad, and we're not really sure if that feels right. I also imagine that he will transition into the role of Dad over time, for the reasons his therapist initially pointed out. For right now, though, it gives us language to use with the children, and a role to be in that is at least somewhat clear.

The next challenge on this journey has been discipline. This is always a challenge in blended families and a lot has been written on who takes the lead in disciplining children and step children. It took me a long time to find a way to explain to Steve why I felt we should only ever discipline the kids over the bigger issues together. A very wise friend of mine, also part of a blended family, summarized the challenge really clearly...she said that kids understand that they will always have the unconditional love of their parents and that they know this even while they're being disciplined. My stepchildren don't know that I love them unconditionally, although I do; my son doesn't know that Steve loves him unconditionally, although he does. So if either of us take the lead in disciplining the other's kids, we risk rocking what is still only a fragile foundation of our blended family. Yet if we discipline together, we show the children that we're a strong family unit, that works together, that can't be fractured, even it sometimes takes Steve and I a while to agree on an approach!

So in taking the strengths that I used in my single parent family, building on them, adjusting and refining them, I hope I have been able to use them in our new blended family to start to build a strong foundation for all of us in this new and complex family structure. As well as helping navigate the challenges, this approach has enabled me to appreciate the good times. There is nothing quite as special as coming home to find a bunch of roses on the dining room table, or a single red rose on my pillow. There is also nothing like being part of a larger family...we had Steve's kids for three weeks over the summer and despite the complexity of deciding who should go to which camp, when, etc, they were a great three weeks, and I know that Steve and I wish we saw his kids more than we do. There are some special moments too.... My son, step daughter and I singing loudly to 'Son of A Preacher Man' in my van, Steve's 16 year old (who is autistic) asking me to repeat the word 'Sorry' over and over again because there is something in the way I say it that makes him laugh, and Steve's 15 year old telling me the same joke many times that has a play on the English vs the American pronunciation of certain words...in fact all of them like to make fun of my English accent at times. All of these moments have a very special place in my heart.

So regardless of how one becomes a single parent, that journey is hard, that's for sure. There's also no doubt that blending families is hard. But both are rewarding. In both I've learned something about myself. I am thankful that as I continue on this journey, I continue to grow and learn more about myself and my family and that I continue to be stretched as a person. I know the journey is still only really beginning, for all of us, and I know there will be challenges in the future. It's a good journey though, founded on some good choices, and I'm looking forward to the future ahead.

by Karen Davey

Source

Blended Family Support Sources

2010-02-22T06:12:00.000-08:00

Blending families is never an easy task. Even if everyone starts out viewing the new living arrangement as a positive one, tensions and stresses will arise. It is all a part of learning to live together. Remember, you are taking two very distinct family structures and trying to merge them together to make something new.

There is bound to be some resistance even from the most willing and happy of family members. It is important to realize that every blended family goes through a rough period of adjustment and, usually, it does pass. If your family seems to be having an especially difficult time blending there are some resources available that you can use to help smooth the process out.

Therapy

Family therapy is a fantastic way for blended family members to air their issues in a safe environment. A therapist is not going to take anybody's side and, instead, will provide impartial third party insight into the situation. Sometimes it takes talking to someone who is not emotionally attached to the outcome of your therapy session to help you see what issues are truly laying underneath the surface of your troubles. Many blended families go through a few family therapy sessions as they learn to live together.

Church

If your blended family attends church regularly you might seek some support from within the church's ranks. Your church probably has many different support groups and there is bound to be at least one or two that is geared toward blended family members whether it is for parents who don't know how to step parent, kids who are adjusting to new siblings or even entire families that want to work together to create a harmonious environment. Working with other families that have trouble blending can help you realize that your situation is not unique and the camaraderie you will find in the sessions can give you the boost you need to work through this difficult time.

Family and Friends

If you have friends who have been a part of a blended family or who have had to create a blended family of their own, ask them for advice. Even if you aren't comfortable asking for advice, friends and family members who have gone though your current situation are great sounding boards. Just having someone to talk to who can offer you comfort can do quite a lot to soothing frazzled nerves and stressed out hearts. Your friends will be able to help you figure out what is really bothering you or point out the different triggers for your stress and help you figure out how to deal with them.

The internet and bookstore are also full of resources on how to be a better blended family. Be careful when you consult some of these resources, especially if tension is running deep. Blind third party advice can be soothing and there will be times when you find useful information contained within a book's or website's pages but if you truly need help it is better to seek it in person. Good luck!

Source

Why You Should Get Blended Family Counseling

2010-02-17T18:08:00.000-08:00

All blended families have problems when they are first learning how to live together. It is how you solve your family problems that is important. Letting your anger or your frustration get the better of you is never a good idea, now matter how satisfying it might feel in the heat of the moment. Some families are able to work through their issues on their own while others find that they need help. Some families need blended family counseling to learn how to live as a single family unit.. And here is the rest of it.

There is no reason to feel bad if you find that your newly blended family needs family counseling. All blended families goes through growing pains when they are first learning how to live together and the family dynamics of a blended family are almost always complicated, whether your family consists of one or both spouse bringing children from a previous relationship into the family dynamic. New step parents are unsure of their footing. Newly stepped children are usually worried about where they should place their loyalties (many feel guilty for accepting a step parent and worry that doing so is a betrayal of their other biological parent). Blended family counseling can teach you how to work through your blended family problems and growing pains.

One of the major benefits of participating in family counseling is having access to a trusted individual who will not take sides or play family members against each other. Family members can talk or vent to this individual without having to worry about their words being used against them or repeated to anyone else. During group blended family sessions, the counselor acts as an impartial mediator during disputes: not taking sides and trying to help all sides of a disagreement find common ground. Having someone to talk to who is not directly involved in or emotionally attached to your family is often very comforting.

Another major benefit of taking part in family counseling is the lessons each family member will get in proper communication. Your counselor will teach all of you how to be better communicators and to use those newfound communication skills to help solve and work through your blended family problems. Most people think that they are good at communicating. Very few are. Your counselor will teach you how to listen as well as how to talk and how to work through disputes and stresses.

There is no shame in going through blended family counseling. Most who take part in counseling for blended families admit that doing so was the best thing they could have done for their family. It is important, however, that you understand that taking part in family counseling is not a one time or easy fix for your family problems. Your counselor's job is to work with you and teach you how to resolve future conflict. She is not there to fix your problems for you. Thankfully, eventually, with blended family counseling, you will learn how to do that as a family without needing outside intervention!

Source

Weddings For Blended Families

2009-12-01T23:53:00.000-08:00

Families today are a bit more complex than they were in previous generations. By the time a bride and groom walk down the aisle, they are likely to have picked up a few more relations than the ones they were born with; everyone from stepparents, step-grandparents, and maybe even a few stepchildren are going to be part of the mix. Having such a large family can make for an especially joyful celebration, but the truth is than in many cases it just makes planning a wedding more complicated. Here are some tips on how to successfully negotiate the complicated terrain of weddings for blended families.

Usually the questions that arise center around the bride's stepparents. Things can be almost equally complicated when she does get along with a stepmom or dad or if she does not. For example, a bride who was primarily raised by her mother and a stepfather may well feel very torn about who should walk her down the aisle. Should it be her "real" dad, or her stepdad who was just as much a father to her? Naturally, the bride does not want to hurt the feelings of either parent, and this is what makes the choice so heartwrenching.

There is no one right decision, and a lot of it will depend on how close the bride is to each father, as well as how open she can be in her discussions with them. When the bride was primarily raised by a stepfather but has maintained a strong relationship with her biological father, she will almost always go with her birth father as her wedding escort. A thoughtful stepfather can make the bride feel less guilty by encouraging her to go in that direction. If the two men are able to be cordial with one another, there is no reason that both dads could not walk the bride down the aisle, one on each side of her. And of course, if her heart is truly with her stepdad, then he is the logical escort.

The other end of the spectrum is what to do when the various members of a blended family are not warm and loving. In this instance, the bride and groom may well be called upon to bite their tongues and rise above the fray for the sake of their wedding. Even if your stepmother is not your favorite person in the world, what good can come of snubbing her at your wedding? Better to kill her with kindness and come out of it as the more gracious person in a contentious relationship. Treat her as a valued member of your family, at least for duration of the wedding. If you give gifts of wedding jewelry to the other mothers, your stepmother should also be on the list of recipients of those wedding jewelry gifts. If all of the grandmothers are getting corsages, then have one ready for your stepgrandmother, no matter what you may think of her. Who knows, maybe your gracious gestures can even help to bring a spark of warmth into the relationship. If not, at least you will have avoided the damage that would be caused by an obvious snub.

Blending the children of the bride or groom into one new family is also one of the issues that frequently arises at weddings these days. The best thing that you can do is to make them feel as though they are an important part of the new union. This can take the form of actually having the children participate in the wedding ceremony or perhaps in giving them a special piece of jewelry to mark the occasion. Just be careful not to push a reluctant child into more of a starring role than they can handle at the wedding. Major transitions can be challenging enough for some children without the added pressure of being in the spotlight at a public affair.

Probably the best advice on planning a marriage with a blended family is to maintain a sense of humor and one of perspective. Will having your stepfather's name on your wedding invitation ruin your entire wedding if it would mean the world to him? Probably not. Choose your battles well and try to keep the feelings of the rest of the family in mind; this will help you to plan a wedding that can bring the entire family, original and blended, closer together.

Written by Bridget Mora writes for Silverland Jewelry about all of the considerations that brides face while planning their dream weddings.

Insights Into Establishing A Harmonious Blended Family

2009-10-29T22:51:00.000-07:00

Many adults are getting married with children already in the wings. The result - blended families - can be greatly rewarding, although not without conflict. This article highlights some areas of concern for blended families and how to deal with them.

It is not uncommon these days for couples to pursue remarriage with children already in tow. Blended family statistics show that at least one in three Americans is now a stepchild, stepparent, a stepsibling, or some part of a blended family.

Blended families are usually the result of remarriage after divorce, where both bride and groom have kids under their wings. Or perhaps it's a first time wedding for two single parents. Whatever the reason, families that are united by virtue of marriage and not blood are on the rise, bringing hope and stability to many people's lives.

Blended Family Remarriage Conflicts

It's not much of a surprise, however, that kids who suddenly have to deal with a "stepmother" or "stepfather" tend to shy away, become closed off, or openly rebel towards change. It's a normal blended family issue that can be dealt with successfully; one must be prepared for resistance though.

Another blended family problem that often crops up is experienced by adults who can't deal with children that are not their own. This usually stems from the idea that because a child is not one's own flesh and blood, one has no real right to get involved in that child's life. Like every other blended family conflict, it can be dealt with positively and effectively.

If you are part of a stepfamily, you're probably familiar with these and other situations. The good news is, these are all perfectly normal and each situation can be resolved given sufficient time, love, and understanding.

The following are some common stepfamily conflicts and how you can handle them positively, solidifying your family's unity and strength.

The Blended Family - Start Off With A Statement

It's a good idea to make a commitment from the very beginning of your relationship. Couples have found that engaging in a unity family ceremony during the wedding is a great way to encourage family members to accept and love each other.

Basically, a unity family ceremony is when the bride, groom, and children all take turns pouring different colored sand into a glass jar or vase, creating a unique symbol of their unity. Families can also recite a blended family vow for the wedding to verbally signify their commitment to unity and harmony. It's a great step towards getting along with each other and is very conducive to the growth of familial relationships.

The Blended Family - Decide On Where to Live

A big factor in establishing harmony in a family is your place of residence after getting married. Obviously, there's no place like home and some children resent the idea of having to move into a step-siblings house (while the original resident stepsibling doesn't have to endure the same sacrifice). A new home for everyone means the entire family has to start over and everyone is equal. It can be refreshing and exciting to move into a new home together.

The Blended Family - Face and Bury Old Conflicts

If a family is formed after a remarriage, children and parents are liable to carry over hurts and resentments from the previous marriage that can affect the harmony of the new family. For example, anger towards ex-husbands or wives, disappointment in children that their biological parents won't ever work things out - these things can be deeply painful to deal with.

It's best to handle these issues in a loving, non-judgmental manner, with everyone agreeing to support each other until the emotional wounds have healed. Constant verbal support and affirmation, hugs and kisses, and other forms of affection can all have massive impact on individual feelings.

Being negative and standoffish will only perpetuate ill-feelings and disharmony. Start your remarriage by being positive and strong for others in all situations.

How to Build Blended Family Relationships

The overall secret to building a strong blended family is to pay attention to the feelings of everyone involved and to build good faith between each other as a result.

Regarding the issue of discipline: a parent can start exerting authority and instating rules once he or she has earned the trust of the children. You can do this by listening, empathizing, and taking a genuine liking to a child's interests. Once you have proved you are for real and you truly care, they will trust you even when you discipline. It's all about building caring relationships above anything else.

We wish all parents and children good luck as you strive to build a strong blended family. To quote the Beatles, "All you need is love." That, in a nutshell, is what makes both natural and blended families work out.

Written by: Sharon Vaz - founder of http://www.unitysandceremony.net, an authority website dedicated to providing brides resources on planning an spectacular Unity Sand Ceremony.

Rules for Grandparents in a Blended Family

2009-08-21T20:00:00.000-07:00

1. Treat all the children equally and fairly

Treat your step grandkids as if they were all your biological grandchildren. They are waiting and watching to see if you will be fair to all. If your biological grandchildren call you "grandmother"- then invite your new step grandchildren to call you "grandmother." If you hug your grandchildren when you see them, then hug your step grandchildren, too.

Dispense with the "biological" and "step" labels as soon as you can. Even keeping these labels in your head may cause you to treat your grandchildren unequally.

2. Remember and Recognize Special Days

Acknowledge birthdays, school events, and any other special activities of your new step grandkids. At the beginning of each year- mark all special events on the calendar. You may even want to purchase birthday cards, or gift cards- all at once. That way you are fair to all and don't forget anyone.

Don't forget your new daughter or son in law, too. Remembering them with a card on their birthday will help show your support for the marriage. Share information about your family history or family recipes, to help your daughter or son (by marriage) feel a part of your family.

3. Express interest in each child

Make time to learn about your new step grandchildren: their activities, friends and hobbies. Figure out what makes each child unique. These endeavors will help you feel more comfortable around them, and help you get to know them.

4. Don't reminisce about the Past

Your adult child has divorced and moved on to a new marriage. Recalling the good times in their old marriage is not going to help with blending the new marriage. Take the old wedding photos off the wall and put them away in a special album. It's O.K. to keep these pictures, but do not display the old marriage partners on the wall for everyone to see when they visit you.

5. Listen

When your adult child calls and wants to talk about their frustrating moments in their blended family, but don't judge or say anything negative that you'll regret later. It's very difficult to blend a family and requires a lot of patience. Support your son or daughter as they try their best to be a good parent and spouse in this new blended family.

In conclusion- remember it's your job to love all of your grandchildren and support your adult child and his/her spouse in their new blended family. It's a little new and unfamiliar at first, but well worth your efforts. You will have the reward of a bigger family to love you back.

Source: Blended Family Advice

Tips for Helping Your "Blended Family" Blend Better

2009-03-30T20:55:00.000-07:00

Outside of the land of television and movies, so-called “blended families” face tremendous challenges. Whereas Hollywood can help their “make-believe” families “blend” rather nicely, real life isn’t always so kind.

When a couple remarries and there are children involved, it’s crucial for this new family unit to really feel like a family. In Resolving Conflict in the Blended Family by Tom and Adrienne Frydenger, the authors suggest that one of the most effective ways for creating that sense of family is the “team building” concept.

Here’s how it works –

1. A team builder values other people. If there are step-children in the home who feel their opinions don’t matter, they’ll be less likely to want to be a part of this new blended family unit.
2. A team builder isn’t quick to judge the opinions of others. They know that these differences aren’t necessarily right or wrong – just different.
3. A team builder views these differences as opportunities for growth. They provide a healthy variety of thought for creative decision-making. They’re also good starting points for conflict resolution – a must in the blended family!
4. A team builder is able to identify his own goals and interests. Nothing will sink a blended family faster than irrational thinking on the part of either or both spouses.
5. A team builder wants to involve all conflicting parties in the resolution process. Ever tried planning a “blended family vacation?” It’s an exercise in “conflict resolution” at its best. Better to get all opinions, gripes, scheduling issues, etc on the table early in the process.
6. A team builder is willing to co-operate. The blended family is not a dictatorship. Leading by example is always the best way to raise children anyway.
7. A team builder is willing to accept uncomfortable momentary circumstances in order to build a good working relationship. Shouldn’t we all! But this is especially true in the case of the blended family. It may take longer to accomplish a “family goal” . . . but in the end, it’s worth it!
8. A team builder recognizes the value of trustworthiness. All children are naturally suspect of blended families initially. That means, Mom and Dad, your credibility is being graded on a much tougher scale the second time around. Be trustworthy – and be willing to trust your children and stepchildren. Don’t make earning your trust too difficult for them.
9. A team builder does not coerce or manipulate. Rational persuasion goes much further than step-parent force any day.
10. A team builder will commit to the consensus of the group. The only way for a blended family to really “blend” is if each member buys into the concept that this is, in fact, a family now. Especially in this case, the whole is not greater than the sum of the parts.

Team building is a great concept to use to help your blended family “blend.”

Author: Jim Burns, Ph.D.
(Excerpted from the book, Resolving Conflict in the Blended Family by Tom and Adrienne Frydenger.)

Blended Families Can Be Successful

2009-03-28T00:05:00.000-07:00

Many families today are blending members from past relationships. It would be easy to give up when faced with all the conflicting methods of parenting and discipline that come to a family who has joined forces together.

As I was doing research for a recent book, I interviewed a young counselor at a youth camp. I was impressed with her sincerity, maturity, and gratitude that her “blended family" had made the effort and sacrifice to work together toward a common goal. She admitted that she was the instigator of most of the conflict and absolutely refused to cooperate on even the most menial request by her step-mother. She could tell that the adults were becoming increasingly unhappy and stressed and she was secretly glad that they were suffering.

Then an interesting thing happened. She was invited to spend a weekend with a friend and she saw what happens when families get along and support one another. The family held a family meeting to decide about some upcoming projects and chores. When putting activities on the calendar, she was amazed to see her friend volunteer to attend the ball game with her little brother so the parents could make another commitment. They laughed and joked with good natured ribbing as opposed to sarcastic mean spirited teasing. The family ended the family meeting with ice cream sundaes and she saw the kids pitch in without being asked and that they served the parents before getting their own bowl.

It was an eye-opener for this young lady to see that it is possible to work together in a win-win atmosphere. She honestly had not even realized it was possible to live in harmony as opposed to chaos and anger.

When she got home from that stay, she called a family meeting and everyone came fearing that she was going to say she was moving out if she didn’t get her way. Instead, she told them about what she had witnessed and asked for a commitment for all of them to start over and become a cooperative, supportive and loving family where everyone was treated with respect.

She went on to tell me that it had not been easy to change old habits, especially with her. But, as a family they had set a goal and a commitment and had worked on their relationships and communication skills daily. As a young adult, she said that because of that commitment, she had gone into counseling to assist other young people who were filled with anger. She wanted to share the valuable lessons that she had learned.

Oh yes, she counts her step-mother as one of her best friends now.

In our living room is a beautiful potted plant. It contains a number of small individual stems and branches that, as separate entities, are fragile and unsteady. Each stem could probably make it if it were broken off and stuck in a glass of water, but it might not. However, grouped together, they gain strength and protection from one another. Their roots are intertwined and form a foundation that allows them to successfully withstand being knocked over and occasionally neglected.

Families are like that plant. We are all in this together, and we need to know there are others who will hold us up when we need it and support us as we grow stronger. The word for the strength of a unit is synergy. It means that the whole is greater than the sum of its parts.

It is that common goal of cooperation and support that builds success in our children and our families. Please don’t give up. Try one more time to provide the loving and respectful environment that each member of the family deserves.

Good luck and God bless. You do the most important work in the world.

This article has been written by Judy H. Wright, a parent educator and PBS consultant. You will find a full listing of books, tele-classes, and workshops listed at www.ArtichokePress.com.

Source http://ezinearticles.com/?expert=Judy_H._Wright

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2009-03-08T20:44:00.000-07:00

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The Blended Family – Hopes, Fears, and Tasks

2008-07-23T18:49:00.000-07:00

Hope springs eternal, and there’s nowhere that’s more true than a couple taking the leap of faith into a second marriage. To all those who dare to hope that their second marriage (or third, or fourth) will be better than the last, I say congratulations and good luck! It takes a lot of courage to open your heart to try again! But also, take heed: you’ll have a much better chance of success if you follow some very important guidelines, particularly if either of you have children.

Let’s face it: relationships can be a challenge. Any long term relationship between two people moves through a set of predictable and important stages, each stage bringing something rich and healing to the partners, and each stage filled with snags and potholes along the way, any one of which can capsize a relationship. In a first marriage, these developmental stages usually start out in the open – that is, without the complications of children. For instance, most couples usually go through an initial period of intense closeness and bonding, when friends complain that they don’t see you any more, and nothing seems more important or exciting than spending time with your new beloved. This is a wonderful and exciting time, and actually serves to build a strong foundation for a long term relationship. We in the field of couples counseling hope to see that a couple has been able to spend as much as two or three years in this honeymoon period. It’s kind of like putting down a very big deposit on a new home: you are investing a lot of equity in the relationship, so that when things get tough – and they will get tough – you both have a rich and full memory bank of good times, being in love, and knowing that the relationship is important to you both, to draw from. These rich memories give us the fortitude and determination to put effort into the relationship when it’s most needed.

Couples who already have children from a former relationship before they meet each other don’t have the luxury of years of time where it is “just us.” They hit the ground running, and moving in together, a challenging time for many couples, can feel like they’ve just been hired to run a company when they feel like they’re still in high school.
The Pitfalls – And What to Do About Them

Unrealistic Expectations: Parents Hope, Children Fear

If you have been in a marriage (throughout this article, the reference to marriage will always include any form of long-term committed relationship, particularly if you have lived together, including same-sex marriages) that ended, whether by divorce or the death of a spouse, you probably know how hard it is to overcome the dread of thinking you could go through it again. Most people I counsel who are going through a divorce say they can’t even imagine dating, and have terrible fears about daring to trust and become vulnerable to another person again.

But, time does heal, and remarriages are evidence of the hope that marks us as human beings. A funny thing happens when we fall in love: we lose some of our take on reality. Not only are we starry-eyed for our new love, we are starry-eyed about a future with our new love. Don’t feel bad – this is normal. But it sure helps to know what the expectations are, so we don’t feel so horrible – like we’ve failed yet again – when things don’t pan out the way we expect them to.

Great Expectations, Just Not Realistic

Here are just some of the expectations we as parents unwittingly bring to a second marriage:

- love will conquer all
- your children will love your new spouse, or even like them, instantly
- your partner’s children will appreciate all the things you do for them as a step-parent, and your partner will appreciate all your help in raising them
- that this marriage will be much better than the last one that failed
- for a better life
- that everyone will get along
- that your new spouse will make parenting easier – some even expect the new spouse to be the new nanny – the “Mary Poppins Myth”
- that the new marriage will automatically create the structure of the nuclear family, that you will be in a “real family” after all
- that your partner’s ex, and the ex’s family, will just go away. “I will have my new husband/wife all to myself.”
- that you as new spouse / step-parent will have an equal vote in the matters of the family

Of these expectations, I find the most common mistake that new step-parents make is in expecting these “new” kids to automatically love them. For the most part, it just doesn’t happen that way. The greatest gift you can give to your new blended family is to give the children plenty of time – even a year or two – to figure out that you’re safe, worthwhile, and then, maybe even likeable. But of course, that will only happen if it’s true.

Children Have Hopes Too, But Also Have More Fears

Children in blended families have expectations too, although they tend to be more realistic about not being in love with your new partner as much or as quickly as you are. But they have a lot to adjust to, much more than most parents realize.

- children hope to be happier in a stable family, in both emotional and tangible ways: more fun at family celebrations than when mom or dad was single. Less stress for mom or dad because they have found someone to share their difficulties with. And they hope to benefit from there being more money, more presents on their birthdays and holidays, maybe bigger TV’s in the living room. Kids are kids.

- they assume their biological parent will be just as doting on them as they were when they were single, but fear they will lose their parent to the new spouse

- they fear they will lose attention from mom or dad, who now has to tend to step-siblings and a more complicated family life. These fears come from the “Wicked Step-Mother Myth.” No one sees themselves as the wicked stepmother, but most of us see ourselves as Cinderella.

- they fear the new step-parent will disapprove of them simply for existing, and be a harsh disciplinarian. Even if the step-parent is not, the child may perceive him or her to be overly harsh, overly disapproving, since there isn’t as much of a counterpoint in the deep abiding love that comes with being a biological parent.

- they fear having to share their new lives with the unknown step-siblings: have to share a room, time with mom, mom’s loyalties, available money for college tuition or special trips, even inheritances.

- they fear losing contact with the non-custodial parent, especially if they allow themselves to get close to their new step-parent. They are very afraid of hurting the non-residential parent’s feelings. They may also fear having to live in two homes, and worry a lot about the parent they aren’t with when they are gone.

- children fear getting close to their new step-parent only to find that mom or dad will break up with them, too, initiating yet another devastating loss and feelings of abandonment. Kids desperately need to know they can attach to a parental figure and be safe from abandonment or neglect. Under their wariness of the new step-parent, there is often a longing to trust.

- children often hold on to the hope and even expectation that Mom and Dad will someday reunite. This is true even after one or both parents have remarried – young children can imagine that all of you – Mom, Dad, and Step-Parent, will live in one house happily ever after. Even older children, and even adult children, often long for the reunification of their biological parents.

Dealing With Expectations, Hopes and Fears – the Best Prevention

There’s no question hope is a good thing. It’s what keeps us going and motivates us to create better lives. The only trouble is when our hopes are misguided, unrealistic, and unexpressed. Too often they turn into expectations and just set us up for disappointment. After one failed marriage, disappointment too often makes a person feel they not only failed again, but that they are a failure. But such a tragic loss can be prevented by knowing what to expect.

It’s always smart to sit down with your partner and discuss as many of your expectations and assumptions as possible about family life (feel free to borrow from the list above.) It’s also a good question to ask of yourself and each other when problems do arise: what are the expectations I’ve brought to the situation? Often we expect too much, or we expect our partner to know what our own expectations are, to read our minds. They don’t, and they can’t. Even if they do know our hopes, even our assumptions, that doesn’t mean they can fulfill them, or that it’s even their job to make us happy. Keep in mind that building a strong and happy blended family is a very difficult task at best, and perhaps try to put your hopes on an extended time line. Know that each of these developments might be possible, but they will most undoubtedly take longer than you’d like. That they don’t just happen, but need our skills and patience to bring them about.

It’s also important to spend time alone with your biological children, and help them talk about their hopes and fears. If you can’t get yourself out of the way (i.e. you hope so desperately that they will love your spouse that you can’t stand it that they don’t yet like her or him) then support your child in having someone else to talk with – a counselor or another adult that they trust. It’s best if they can talk with you and tell you their fears, but remember they might be as afraid of telling you as they are of losing you. Children often resolve their issues easily once they know someone is listening, and this can prevent a lot of difficult behavior along the way.

Resentment and Jealousy – The Insider / Outsider Syndrome

No one wants to believe they enter into a new marriage only to feel excluded once the children become a part of the relationship. Yet this is one of the most predictable stages that occurs in blended families. The task of the new couple is to learn to create a sense of togetherness – to build on activities that bring teamwork and a sense of accomplishment for the team, for the two adults. While you have a ready-made set of challenges by virtue of the very existence of the children one or both of you brought to the marriage, this is a very difficult challenge to meet, especially as the first challenge in the marriage, because you have the task not just for you as a couple but for you as an extended family. When it doesn’t happen, instead of feeling like a happy, well-unified family, almost everyone feels like an outsider.

The step-parent feels like an outsider because they are just joining a team (biological parent and her or his kids) that has been going strong for years. There are hundreds of “inside jokes,” secret non-verbal communication that has developed naturally between parent and child, between siblings, and lots of subtle references made about people who are known only to the biological family. The step-parent is also not yet seen as an authority figure, a true parental disciplinarian, and is often undermined by the biological parent. This makes the step-parent feel like there is no place for them, and they often retreat with the attitude of Why bother?

The child or children often feel like outsiders of the new love affair between the biological parent and the new step-parent. If a child has become the subject of shared custody with both biological parents, and spend roughly equal time with both biological parents, they often don’t have a primary home. After a week at Dad’s, coming back to Mom and Step-Dad can make the child feel like he or she is “just visiting.” There’s a certain hidden luxury for couples whose children spend time with the divorced parent in that they get regular time off from parenting, and can enjoy a semblance of “married without children” time together. They can get close again, and recharge their batteries. But when the children come back, it can feel like they are intruding on the romantic time of the new couple. There are changes in the household they haven’t been a part of, even if it’s as simple as a housecleaning. And while the parents are adjusting to the children being back, sensitive kids will pick up that they have just interrupted something, as if you are smoothing out your clothes from an intimate moment.

If both partners have children and one set of kids lives with another parent and “visits” the other parent who is now in a new marriage, the “visiting children” feel like outsiders to the new nuclear family. As a child I visited my Dad in Germany, where he lived for 19 years with his second wife and two children from their marriage. I hardly knew my dad, let alone his second wife and my half-brother and half-sister. While they were very welcoming and loving, and accepted me readily into their “tribe,” there was no question who the new person was. I felt like a stranger in my dad’s home. After my mother remarried, her second husband’s two children, who lived with their mother, would visit occasionally, until they were old enough to choose on their own not to come anymore. They felt so unwelcomed by my mother, and even their father (my step-father) that it was painful to be with us. My step-brother told me much later that he thought we – my mother and sisters, were his father’s “real family,” while he and his sister, my step-father’s “real kids,” were the result of a big mistake. I had had exactly the same feeling about my relationship with my father and his second family. Another example is when a step-parent has bonded so well with his new family that the new set of children, whether stepchildren or biological children with the new spouse, trump the children from the former marriage. This plays out at important family functions, where the biological children play no part – even at the parent’s funeral.

The only one who doesn’t feel like the outsider in this family structure is the biological parent. Far from having the “easy role,” they must play the mediator, and often feel terribly torn between children and spouse. Most of the responsibility of making the new family structure work seems to fall on their shoulders. Often it’s easier for the biological parent to maintain the single-parent role with their kids; as if the parent just happens to have a live-in boyfriend / girlfriend, even once they are married. The continuing challenge of keeping each side of the equation – kids and spouse – happy is like walking a tightrope. Some will come to the task, exhausting as it is, and keep trying to cultivate a relationship between spouse and children. Some will give up when it seems like the two sides will never meet. Some biological parents, often the father, will actually pull away from one side or the other – his kids or his wife – because trying to integrate them is too hard. This is sad because it can lead to defeat of the marriage, and no one wins.

The tug of war is even more compounded when one or both ex-spouses are co-parenting their children. That ex-spouse usually comes with his or her family, with whom the biological parent must at least cooperate for the sake of the children. If both partners of the new marriage have children and an ex-spouse who co-parents, this new marriage must balance relationships and in-laws in multiple directions!

From Lonely Outsider to “Doh-Si-Doh”: Finding the Rhythm of the Dance

There’s no way that everybody will feel central to the family all the time. The task is to make it normal for everyone to be in a dance with each other, and to make the dance fun. Another essential task of a marriage is for the couple to become comfortable with each other’s separateness, or individuation – following the call of their own life development. This can be a stumbling block for many couples who resist the shift away from an early symbiotic closeness where everything they do is together. However, making this shift is essential for a successful marriage. It will also help tremendously in countering insecurities when jealousies between children and spouses arise. In essence, it’s about finding the balance where everyone needs the biological parent – the hub of the family – just a little bit less, and hopefully begin to interact with each other – step-parent and step-children, step-siblings with each other – more and more.

Step-parents can be creative about ways to connect with their new spouse’s kids. It’s a good idea for parents to discuss how the step-parent can be more involved, from attending parent/teacher conferences at school to teaching a child a skill the step-parent can do, attending basketball games together, or just taking the time to listen to the child’s telling of their day. I’ve found that when kids don’t open up right away, sometimes just hanging out in the same room, without the TV on, gives rise to conversation. And conversation gives rise to, well, finding out things about your kids. By the way, the challenge of spending non-TV time together with kids is not limited to blended families – everybody struggles with this. The first thing to do is turn off the TV, then look around for a fun way to get out of the house – together.

Balance of Power, Not Power Struggle

Not only is there a challenge in balancing alliances and keeping everyone happy. There’s often a tug of war for power.

Often in a divorce suit one parent is hoping to have more control over their children’s lives than the other parent. However, more and more often, both parents share joint custody, which means both parents have to communicate in decision-making for their kids. This is troublesome enough, but it can also lead to confusion for the new step-parent: just how involved should the new step-parent be?

A new step-parent has a difficult role to fill: is he or she a parent, a friend, a baby-sitter, or a mere adult who happens to share living space? The unfortunate side-effect to not knowing the answer to this question is that the child or children often end up with too much power. Instead of the parents acting as a team, children learn they can pit one parent against the other. They do this in biological nuclear families, but they do it even more in blended families. Children can manipulate their biological parent to feel guilty (it’s an easy place to go – parents usually feel guilty already for a divorce) for not giving them what they want. A biological parent feels uneasy about the new step-parent’s style of giving discipline, so they step in to “save” the child. The new step-parent loses their power, and the child learns he or she can get away with just about anything.

Sometimes a new step-parent will feel they have to make up for a deficit in a former spouse’s shortcomings as a parent, and “straighten the kids up.” This usually meets with defeat, and resentment on all ends. Maybe the “corrective” parenting style of a step-parent can be effective in time, but only after an initial relationship-building period has occurred, establishing a strong sense of respect and acceptance on both sides. This can and usually does take years. Until then, the step-parent is best situated to remain a firm and friendly authority figure who supports the biological parent’s role.

It is important that neither the biological parent nor the step-parent give up their role as the responsible adult in the house. In time the children will find comfort rather than resentment in the structure that you uphold. Keep in mind an interesting piece of research about children and their need for boundaries: Researchers observed children playing in a back yard. In the first case the yard was open to the neighborhood, no fence or closure. The children played together huddled close to each other and close to the house. In the next case the children played in the same size yard, this time with a secure fence around it. The children enjoyed the full length of the yard, now confident they were safe with a known boundary in place. Lesson: children need structure, boundaries, and the firm and aware presence of a competent adult in their midst. While they might outwardly bristle at parental discipline, underneath they feel relieved. They are not adults, and no matter what they might say, they really do know they want and need the adults to be in charge.

Trouble Signs – What to Watch Out For

Every family has its ups and downs, and some families have extra challenges with “high-need” children, or even “high-need” parents. A certain amount of strife is to be expected, and should not cause alarm.

However, some things are sure signs a relationship is in trouble. Here is a list that has been cultivated by many couples therapy specialists with decades of experience. Take a look, and if any of these signs has been occurring for more than a few weeks, it’s time to get some help. Remember, we didn’t come into this world knowing how to build rockets without lots of training. Why should we expect that managing the foibles of a blended family should be an easier?

1. The couple has stopped talking with each other about family issues, and even avoid each other’s company. When they do talk, it is laced with sarcasm, a deadly form of indirect anger. This is a big red flag, because it represents a breakdown in willingness to work as a team, and suggests hopelessness has set in. Many people find dealing with conflict to be difficult, which it is, until we’ve learned some effective conflict-resolution skills. Take heart: these skills work, and many therapists can help you learn them with your spouse. It’s actually easier than you think, and tremendously rewarding to actually resolve problems.

2. The household has become a democracy, in that the children are too involved in making decisions. It’s the parents’ role to make the decisions for the children, who feel burdened by too much responsibility. It has been a trend in the last generation or two to give children more of a voice in family matters, in reaction to a much more repressive parenting style in the ‘40’s and ‘50’s. I think this is a good change – kids deserve to be listened to, and probably need to be heard even more. But being listened to is a separate process from kids making decisions, which must remain firmly in the hands of the adults. When adults have given too much responsibility to their children, it suggests the parents have trouble being adults themselves.

3. Some parents get into a competition about their kids, and which kids will benefit from the family resources. It becomes “my kids vs. your kids.” Once parents become polarized like this, nobody wins and everyone feels uneasy. Again, parents will benefit by talking it out with each other and developing a policy that everyone knows and agrees to. This often shows up more in older families, where couples have adult children who are expecting family benefits, like college tuition, wedding expenses, help with a down payment on a house, or even inheritances. Often, couples have a hard time getting past their fears of talking openly about what they feel comfortable with. It’s better, however, to talk it through than to wait to see how it plays out.

4. Parents are not using relationship skills to problem-solve family issues. Instead, one or the other parent unilaterally takes over parenting, disregarding the other parent’s contribution. Many step-parents have not been parents before the marriage, and don’t feel confident in their skills. The easiest thing is for the biological parent to assume full control. This might be appropriate in the beginning, but over time it is important to bring in the parental role of the step-parent, and when there are situations that he or she doesn’t know how to handle, that’s the time to ask for help from the biological parent. It’s okay to be a learner. There’s no one way to be the perfect parent, or there wouldn’t be radical parenting style shifts from one generation to the next. We are all experimenting. The biological parent has been practicing since their children’s birth. Many step-parents will enroll in a parenting class, such as Love and Logic, and many others. And all of us will regress to our own parents’ style (no matter how much we hated it growing up) when we are stressed. It takes a lot to be a good parent, so don’t beat yourself up, but do use resources.

5. The step-parent resents the biological parent’s kids coming to visit. This usually comes up after the routine has settled in and the step-parent finds that the biological children are not as accepting of the new spouse as they had hoped, or the kids are trouble-makers. “They just won’t warm up to me,” I often hear. This always suggests there is an underlying problem, where someone, often the children and the spouse, feel like outsiders. There is usually some difficult history here that needs to be dealt with – the “visiting” children didn’t get properly taken care of during a nasty divorce, or they resent their parent for moving on from the original family, or perhaps the step-parent is stuck in their expectation that their new life wouldn’t be “intruded upon” by the “leftovers” of a former marriage. These are tough images, but they do come up for people. When they do, it’s a strong indicator they would benefit from therapy. Most all of us come from imperfect families, and drag along our childhood wounds to our adult lives. There’s no shame in that, but hopefully we’ll be able to work on these issues without hurting the people we love. Therapy is a good way to do that.

6. The new step-parent feels like the new nanny. This is what I call the “Mary Poppins Myth,” that some people hope their new partner will fill the role of parent while the biological parent continues their life at work or is otherwise removed from the daily tasks of family life. Some couples agree to this arrangement, but forget to take into account that the children will be less eager to accept the new full time parent. Some partners don’t even realize they’ve put such a burden on their new spouse, but think of it as fulfilling a family tradition: “this is just how it’s done.” Whether it’s your tradition or not, you are still in a marriage that will require much more compromise and, in our culture, more equal footing. Otherwise, it is a setup for resentment to set in.

7. The children have stopped talking to the step-parent. In the first year or two, children are likely to be more ambivalent about getting close to the step-parent. But if they have moved closer and then have pulled back, there’s trouble. It’s important to investigate it sooner than later. Kids are generally less able to talk about problems than adults are, and can be even more reluctant to say something negative about a step-parent. Yet, if they feel hurt by a step-parent, and find that their biological parent is “siding with” the step-parent, the child feels more and more excluded, unimportant, and unwanted. Who wouldn’t feel angry? When this situation is allowed to ferment, long-term estrangement can develop, and that can take years to resolve. I have seen this over and over again, and the sad thing about it is that it usually starts with something very simple and mundane. The problem is that the small issues start to translate as a larger pattern or attitude – a chronic dynamic that everyone comes to expect. Again, this can happen in original (non-divorced) families as easily as in blended families, but it can be so destructive that it bears discussing here. When it gets to the point that no one can talk about it without a big blow-up, you do have another choice other than giving up: see a couples counselor. It’s better to start with couples counseling first because very often the underlying problems reside with the couple. If necessary, a session or two can include a child, to help everyone share their story and be heard. It’s always amazing to me how much is discovered by partners when they talk about things in therapy. Even after living together for years, there’s so much they don’t know about each other, often because they don’t know what questions to ask, and they often have a hard time hearing the answers. Couples therapists are skilled at helping everyone truly be heard. Once you know how the other person feels underneath the surface issue, much more resolution is possible.

Overwhelming Doesn’t Mean Impossible – Therapy Can Help!

If taking on a blended family seems overwhelming, take heart: it is. But it can also bring tremendous joy when those hard won moments finally happen, and your spouse’s child voluntarily offers a kind word, or even a small hand. When your step-daughter asks you to walk her down the aisle. When your stepson surprises you years later with a simple thank you for being a part of his life.

So many options and directions for growth open up when a couple comes to therapy. Some people think therapy is “just for nuts,” that needing therapy is a clear sign of weakness or that if you need it, something is wrong with you. That might have been true decades ago, but both therapy and the people who use it have changed a lot in the last several years. Most of the people I see are very ordinary people who are needing a little guidance in an area of their lives, or they might feel overwhelmed by the enormity of the life task set before them. Couples work is usually short term, and can help a family shift quickly to a much more satisfying way of life. Unfortunately, too many couples wait until they are on the brink of divorce before getting help, and by then it is usually too late. Some therapists advocate treating marriage like we take care of our cars: we bring them in for tune-ups. I personally have found NOTHING more challenging than being in a marriage and raising a child, and believe the help gained through therapy is the best resource there is.

Above all, when a blended family succeeds, it gives everyone the experience that marriage can work, family can be a good thing, and that we are lucky to come from family who loves us. I am hearing this more and more in my practice as grown children from blended families are able to look back with appreciation for their parents’ struggles and accomplishments. I’m also seeing more adult children whose parents, disengaged from them at some point because of divorce, have reunited and have learned to become friends. So often, these healed relationships begin with one simple gesture: reaching out.
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Author: Beth Strong, Ma, Lpc

AMERICAN BLENDED FAMILY ASSOCIATION

2008-06-12T16:36:00.000-07:00

ABFA is the Association founded to improve the lives of Blended Families. Our mission is to be the "go to" organization to serve, support and enhance the quality of life for the fastest growing American demographic called...the Blended Family. We are 100+ million strong and must be heard across this land, and especially in every state.

To created change that serves our family demographic, it will take Americans like you to JOIN TODAY.

Approximately 2,100 new blended families are formed every day in America. More than 20+ million Blended Family households exist today and that number grows daily. Research shows that by the year 2010 the 'blended family' will be the most common form of family unit in our nation. By 2010, 130+ million people either will be in or have been in a blended family of some form. (through re-marriage, adoption, foster home, etc)

So that you never feel alone in your Blended Family (step-family) journey the ABFA helps families, parents, grandparents, children and professionals have an organization that can speak as one voice and as an advocate. Your partnership in ABFA finally gives you a strong voice in issues and affairs of our nation. We create and are part of a demographic that holds political, legislative, and purchase power clout.

ABFA will represents you. Moving forward We will generally refer to the American Blended Family
Association as "ABFA" in publications and in all resources. We are the united force that will take "Action" and work with states in an "Alliance". The associations will be very 'action oriented' and play a leadership role via advocacy, lobbying, public relations, political races and local judicial activities across the nation, as we enact positive changes.

With nationally recognized leaders in various areas of counseling and legal assistance, we also can link families to professional and educational opportunities in their local areas. Over the course of the next few months we will start, develop and fund state agencies in individual states in the union, in order to work for legislative representation in legal system and taxation issues.

ABFA is a not-for-profit membership organization of blended families / step-families dedicated to addressing their needs and interests of 100+ million Americans. It is funded by the members to serve the members. ABFA works hard to enable families to have the opportunities, educational, legal and professional resources available in their lives in order to benefit themselves, their families and society.

Click here to learn about the BENEFITS of various levels of MEMBERSHIP.

Step & Blended Family Vacations

2008-05-30T22:42:00.000-07:00

FamilyTravelForum shares some resources and advice for step and blended families thinking about traveling together.

At this time of year, when travel planning is in full swing, parents in step or blended families may find themselves on opposite sides of the Vacation-with-Kids issue. Should we take all or some, cater to one age group or another, see your relatives, mine, or theirs?

For some adults, the first combined family vacation may even be to attend their own wedding, now that tropical getaways such as Jamaica's FDR Resort and St. John's Westin Resort offer special "Second Wedding" packages, complete with childcare so that "honeymooners" can find time alone.

You don't have to feel alone in confronting these issues. A Los Angeles Times story noted that the U.S. Census Bureau counted 5.2 million step families with children under 18, making 16% of American children part of a step family. And according to the Step Family Foundation, 64% of families today live in some form of divorced and/or stepfamily relationship. That's a lot of family travelers!

Here are some helpful tips to make planning fun time together go more smoothly.

1. Discuss Feelings.
Make sure each child is comfortable expressing his or her feelings. Plan a "sit-down" where every family member is encouraged to say what type of travel adventure appeals.

Be a good listener, particularly to kids who may be subconsciously concerned about spending time with new siblings in a new environment. Children may be jealous of eachother's possessions, insecure about adults' affections for new siblings, or simply annoyed at having to share with someone new (and uninvited).

2. Respect Individuals & Age Differences.
Experts agree that it can take two years for a step family to overcome the difficulties of change, and find cohesion. Just because toddlers and teens are blended into a new family unit doesn't mean they want to spend their vacation time together. Even new siblings of the same age may resent expectations that they become instant best friends.

At many family resorts, parents will find supervised activity programs for different age groups. While young ones are looked after by counselors, teens can make new friends their own age, and adults can strengthen their relationship by enjoying time together.

Also, children often enter their new family with a deep sadness for the family unit left behind. Allowing some vacation time for biological parents to be alone with each of their own children will make every child feel special, and an important part of your new family.

3. Involve the Kids.
Once you've made some decisions, ask each child for help in planning the trip. If there are aspects of your vacation which don't appeal to one family member, ask the others to become involved in solving the issue. Younger children may need reassurance they won't be left behind during strenuous activities such as hiking or camping; older children may be afraid of losing their independence to the new family unit.

Parents should be aware that discussing previous parenting styles and discipline can be tricky with a new spouse. Adults should work out issues of appropriate attire and manners on vacation, then share expectations and consequences of misbehavior with all children.

4. Review Your Plans.
Once a week or so prior to departure, invite everyone to review the trip itinerary, contribute news about the destination, or express a newly awakened interest. Use positive reinforcement to encourage everyone's participation. In this way, children will have a stake in making the trip a success.

5. Take Traditions With You.
Allowing time on your vacation to maintain some of your new family's new traditions (maybe it's Chinese Food Take-out, or a Watch TV Together night, or a fancy Sunday Brunch) will help children feel secure in a new environment. Use this opportunity to create new traditions recalling what fun you had together on your journey.

References and resources for blended families & stepparenting / stepfamilies

2008-05-30T02:24:00.000-07:00

National Stepfamily Resource Center (www.stepfamilies.info) - Clearinghouse of information, resources, and support for stepfamily members. Topics include counseling, finances, co-parenting, co-grandparenting, and more.

Stepfamily Foundation (stepfamily.org) - Their mission is to assist you to make the family, as it is now, function well. They have created a successful management system for the stepfamily,the unacknowledged majority.

Kids Health (www.kidshealth.org)- Living with Stepparents - Article on feelings children might have when a new family is blended together. (Nemours Foundation)

IDoTakeTwo.com – Tips for making a second marriage a smooth and healthy transition.

Way2hope.org -Help with the issues and problems unique to the blended family. Ways to reduce and manage these problems. You'll find frank discussion, definitions, explanations, resources and many related pages to help children and families.

Blended family resource center.com - Working with blended and step families, working with adolescents, Men's issues, Play Therapy (for children), Interactive Guided Imagery, Energy Psychology, and Gottman approaches for couples.

Stepcarefully.com- Offers advice, direction, and understanding for stepfamilies everywhere

Eight myths about blended families

2008-05-30T02:13:00.000-07:00

To a child who does not belong to one, the term stepfamily may suggest Cinderella's troubled family or the eerily perfect Brady Bunch. Actually, neither situation tells the whole story. In a stepfamily, or blended family, one or both partners have been married before. Each has lost a spouse through divorce or death, and one or both of them have children from their previous marriage. They fall in love and decide to remarry, and in turn, form a new, blended family that includes children from one or both of their first households.

Here are some common myths about blended families:

MYTH #1: Love occurs instantly between a stepchild and stepparent.

Although you love your new partner, you may not automatically love his children. Likewise, the children will automatically love you because you are a nice person. Establishing relationships does not happen magically overnight.

Even when you recognize the time involved, it is hurtful to want a relationship with someone who doesn’t want a relationship with you. When people hurt, they may become resentful and angry.

Stepfamily adjustment will be easier if you begin your relationships with your stepchildren with minimal, realistic expectations about how those relationships will develop. Then you will be pleased when respect and friendship blossom and less disappointed if it takes longer than you anticipated.

MYTH #2: Children of divorce and remarriage are damaged forever.

Children go though a painful period of adjustment after a divorce or remarriage. Adults often feel guilty about this, and want to “make it up” to their children. This makes it hard to respond appropriately to each child’s hurt and to set appropriate limits (an important part of parenting).

Research has demonstrated that in time, most children recover their emotional equilibrium, and will be no different in many important ways from kids in first-marriage families.

MYTH #3: Stepmothers and stepfathers are wicked.

Because many fairytales feature stepparents who are unkind or unfair, new stepparents may be confused about their roles. You may be a wonderful person who wants to do a good job, but the negative model of the stepparent can impact you in a very personal way, making you self-conscious about your new role.

MYTH #4: Adjustment to stepfamily life occurs quickly.

Couples are optimistic when they remarry. They want life to settle down and to get on with the business of being happy. However, it can take a long time for people in newly blended families to get to know each other, to create positive relationships, and to develop a family history.

MYTH #5: Children adjust to divorce and remarriage more easily if biological parents withdraw.

Children will adjust better if they have access to both biological parents. Sometimes visitation is painful for the nonresidential parent, but it is important for the child’s adjustment and emotional health – except, of course, in the rare instances of parental abuse or neglect.

It helps if all the parents involved - both biological and step - work toward a parenting partnership. Sometimes this can’t happen right away, but it can be something to work toward.

MYTH #6: Stepfamilies formed after a parent dies are easier.

People need time to grieve the loss of a loved one. A remarriage may reactivate unfinished grieving, which can have a detrimental effect on the new relationship.

A person who is deceased exists in memory, not in reality, and sometimes gets elevated to sainthood. When people remarry after the death of a spouse, they may want a relationship similar to their previous one. New partners may find themselves competing with a ghost.

MYTH #7: Part-time stepfamilies are easier.

When the stepchildren visit only occasionally, perhaps only every other weekend, there is not enough one-on-one time to work on stepchild/ stepparent relationships, and less opportunity for family activities and bonding. Since stepfamilies follow an adjustment process, the part-time stepfamily may take longer to move through the process.

MYTH #8: There is only one kind of family

A stepfamily doesn’t have to be – and probably won’t be – “just like” a biological family. Today, there are lots of kinds of families: first marriage, second marriage, single parent, foster, stepfamily. Each type is different; each is valuable.

Source: helpguide.org

Marriage With An Extended Family

2008-04-16T23:41:00.000-07:00

Having a marriage with children from a previous marriage can be an added stress to the marriage.

Having a marriage with an extended family can also include nieces and nephews, or any child that is not biologically both of yours.

Sociology of the family examines the changing roles of family members. Each member is restricted by the sex roles of the traditional family, these roles such as the father as the worker and the mother as the homemaker are declining.

The mother is becoming the supplementary provider and she retains the responsibilities of child rearing.

Therefore the females role in the labour force is compatible with the demands of the traditional family. This is something that can you can easily overcome with patience and time.

Everything about this situation can and will be sensitive, so watch how you introduce your children into this new type of lifestyle.

The safest way to go about this is by talking to the children individually. Sit them down and ask their opinions. Kids feel important when you ask for their opinion.

It lets them know that you are thinking of their emotions. This gives them a security that most kids miss out when going through a divorce with their parents.

You should never withhold information from you children concerning a new marriage within reason, of course. Let them know that you and your new spouse are also adjusting.

This will help your children to be understanding and empathetic. Try doing fun family activities and exercises together.

Start new family traditions together for the holidays. Do something that sets your family apart from your previous marriage. Make it fun and comfortable.

Share the responsibilities and never jeopardize your step Childs well being because your afraid that child will not like you. A lot of stepparents try and become a friend instead of a parent.

This can cause more harm than good. When you become your Childs friend and it comes down to punishing them they will be more hurt if their friend is punishing them rather than a parent.

Be straightforward right up front from the very beginning. If you follow the simple rules of being a good stepparent the rewards with be worth all of the time and energy you put into it.

They will grow to love you as another parent. This will cause less stress in your marriage and will inevitably make you both happier and healthy as an extended family.

Source: Free Articles

Happy Heart's Day!

2008-02-14T00:53:00.000-08:00

glitter-graphics.com

How Harmful is Parental Favouritism?

2008-01-29T19:05:00.000-08:00

Although is generally considered appropriate practice for parents to use different techniques to raise different children, problems can arise when a parent exhibits obvious preferences towards one child or another. How harmful is parental favouritism and what psychological affects can it have when one child perceives that he or she is being treated unfairly in comparison to a sibling?

Sibling Rivalry

How often have you heard a child complain, “But that’s not fair! He always gets his own way”? Although sibling rivalry is common, how is a child’s mental well-being and your relationship affected when your spouse so very obviously favours one child over another?

Some parents may show favouritism subconsciously by taking sides depending on the gender or age of the child. Do the seemingly harmless expressions, “You’re older, you ought to know better” or “I always wanted a son” sound familiar?

Favouritism not only occurs in the stepfamily situation where a parent favours a biological child over a stepchild, but also occurs in first families when a child can be given preferential treatment based purely on gender.

Long-Term Psychological Effects

Interior Designer and editor of Parent’s Voice, Nadine Higgins, said, “I remember as a child all too well the painful distinctions my mother made between we girls and her beloved boys and it's an experience that you don't leave behind very easily. The ghost of her nagging disapproval, slaps, put downs and unfair house rules still live within me as an adult.”

Parental favouritism not only affects the children, but also causes conflict within the parents’ relationship. Relationship Counsellor Paula Hall Dip PST says, “Certainly, parental favouritism in second families is a common reason why families seek counselling, but it is important to establish whether the perceived favouritism is a reflection on your own childhood, or reality. Some people who were disfavoured as children go to extreme lengths not to favour any of their own children, so may feel that their partner is giving preferential treatment to a child when they are just treating them differently according to their individual personalities and interests.”

PR Consultant, Sarah, has sadly experienced the marital discord that parental favouritism causes. “My husband Graeme’s favouritism of our natural child over my son from a previous relationship led to a rift that deepened over the years. My son felt increasingly rejected, so he hated his sister. My son is 16 and is now able to tell me that, as an 8-year-old, he felt he had to compete for my husband’s affection. My husband has recently left and the favouritism was one of the major factors that divided the family.”

Dr Caron Goode, Inspirational Speaker and Author of Help Kids Cope with Stress & Trauma says, “Favoured children tend to have better self esteem, yet can also be spoiled and manipulative. These children may think the world owes them a living. On the other hand, with healthy self-esteem, they could tend to be high achievers and do well. Disfavoured children tend to have lower self-esteem, which can either make them try harder or give up too easily. Trying to please is one of the characteristics that might make them either compliant or rebellious. It can go either way, depending upon the temperament of the child.”

Paula Hall concludes, “If favouritism is an issue in your relationship, you need to try to sit down with your partner and discuss what impact this is having on you, rather than using the time to arbitrate for your child. If this fails, then I would advise seeking counselling.”

By: Jan Andersen Source: Amazines.com

Can Families Really be Blended?

2007-11-04T20:05:00.000-08:00

In a day and age of fifty percent divorce rates, affecting those in the church as much as society in general, more and more families are struggling with issues of his, hers and ours—children, that is.

Unfortunately, while more and more people are facing issues with “blending families,” few are actually prepared for the rigors and trials of step-parenting. In fact, this is perhaps the greatest issue facing blended families: a lack of preparation, training and understanding of the issues they will be facing.

Consider the situation. A man, previously married, has developed his own parenting style with his children, and the children are familiar with what to expect from their father and are loyal to him.

Meanwhile, a woman, previously married, has developed her parenting style with her children, and they know what to expect from her and are loyal to her.

The man and woman fall in love and plan a life together, but forget that their children will join them in their new union. Often not thrilled about this prospect, children bring hidden loyalties, hurts and challenges with them.

Believing love should be enough to hold their family together, many stepparents forget to prepare for the challenges of raising each other’s children. Caught in the delight of a loving relationship, couples assume that blending a family should come naturally, and quickly. Failing to understand and manage stepfamily difficulties can lead not only to significant frustration, but in extreme cases can threaten the integrity of the marriage as well. Consider this woman’s story:

Hi. I need to talk to my husband about parenting. We are a blended family and have problems with rules with the children. We have argued many times over this issue. He thinks that I don't discipline my children like I should and I think the same about him with his. I almost feel as if he hates my children, and his daughter gets us fighting all the time. What can I do to get a common ground, and have a more peaceful household?

While there are no easy answers, there are several issues to discuss with your husband.

First, you are on the right track to talk to your husband about your feelings and perception of the problem. Nothing gets solved by keeping your feelings to yourself. Create a environment where you will always share your heart safely with one another.

Second, stop arguing. While this advice may sound simplistic, agree to share perceptions in a way that won’t blame or attack your mate. A perception is just that—a unique point of view. You should not expect that you will see things exactly the same way.

Third, be careful with criticism about each other’s parenting styles. While it is important that you agree on a consistent style of parenting, remember that you’re different people who have come together with different styles. It will take time to meld your different styles together, and in some cases, may never agree completely. That’s why we call the process, blending.

Fourth, be careful about allowing the children to be caught in the middle, or to put you in the middle. It is important that you spend time away from the children, reinforcing your relationship, so that you can be unified for the children. They must not be allowed to manipulate you, as children are inclined to do. It is not only destructive to them to have such power, but destructive to the integrity of your marriage and family.

Fifth, discuss rules and consequences as a couple, developing a style of discipline that you both agree to—a common ground. Be careful to allow the other parent to have input into how your children are disciplined, even if the biological parent assumes primary responsibility. While it never works to be overly critical of the other’s parenting/ discipline, your mate’s observations can be very helpful in pointing out blind spots.

Sixth, while it may take time for the stepchildren to love the stepparent, (and sometimes this never occurs) you must insist that the children always show respect for the stepparent. Showing respect for parents is a basic requirement for all children, and will help develop consistency and stability in your family. Children should never be allowed to put their parents down, attack them or abuse them in any way.

Finally, go slowly, and allow time for a positive relationship to develop being children and stepparents. Love cannot be forced, but more often than not, over time, with the right conditions, very positive feelings usually develop being stepparents and stepchildren. Remember, also, that if positive feelings fail to develop, and tension heightens, you should seek professional help. This is not a sign of failure, but rather of strength and wisdom.

SOURCE:
Dr. David Hawkins
The Relationship Doctor
CBN.com

Dealing with Preteen's Growing Anger

2007-08-15T20:36:00.000-07:00

Q: I am the step-mom of an 11 yr. old boy whom will be turning 12 in 2 months, I have been raising him since he was 2 yrs old, and have seen to all the duties of teaching him to speak, potty training and all the other stuff that goes along with child raising. My husband and I went to court for custody of the little boy and won. The mother of the little boy has always made promises to him and never kept them; birthdays, Christmas, the whole lot.

When we brought my husband's son to live with us he was living with his grandparents because the mother was 16 and unable to care for the child and provide a stable home for him. Many years have come and gone and for the last 2 years my step-son has heard nothing from his mother Our phone number and address have been the same for the last 7 years.

My problem is this: For the last year my step-son has been showing very difficult behavior in school, getting kicked out, and now recently he has started not doing his chores, which are keeping his room clean and helping bring in wood for the fire place.

He has also started going into our bedroom and going through our drawers and lying about it and breaking Christmas lights all over our yard and lying about that also. Things in this house have gone missing and when we catch him doing these things he states "I was not. You're lying, that's not what I was doing." We have tried everything with him, grounding him, talking to him, we had even set up a punishment jar which his counselor had suggested we work out together and that didn't work. Now our son has been leaving school and going directly to his friends and not saying a thing to his father or me, and when we ask him why he says "I just wanted to." This has been going on for 2 weeks and his father is out of town working and I am left to try and straighten this out and I don't even know where to begin??????

Any advice you can give would be a great help.

A: Your stepson does have reason to be angry and adolescent hormones and changes may be bringing past emotional pain of all kinds to the surface for resolution. Still, he has learned patterns of lying to get around situations and is challenging the authority figures in his life to a self-defeating battle. He did not learn these coping patterns in a void.

It is possible that your stepson "got away" with breaking rules from an early age. Feelings of guilt or sadness for his plight with his mother may have encouraged his father and yourself to compensate by allowing him to "get around things" instead of working through problems. It is also possible that his behavior reflects the patterns of his mother, who clearly ran away from her own parental responsibilities. Somehow, he learned that it was possible to use "lying" as a means of dealing with conflicts. Either way, it is not too late to reinforce which patterns work in the world and which do not.

The emotional meaning of his "battle with authority" and other outrageous behavior is no doubt a cry for help. It is likely that his externalized conflict reflects his anger at his mother who is nowhere around to receive it. Repressed rage often surfaces for healing during adolescence. Attacking the Christmas lights may indeed be a sign of retaliation against an absent maternal force. And it is true that it is most difficult to express and resolve anger at someone who is not there. Still, it is possible to help him tame this dragon instead of be consumed by it!

The nature of his actions echo a young "out of control" part of him, very much akin to the two year old who was abandoned. It would be wise to secure the guidance and treatment of a child psychologist who specializes in teens. Perhaps with your support and professional guidance he will be able to confront his painful experience with his mother in a more direct and productive manner.

Though it is difficult, safe containment is possible with angry pre-teens. It will require teamwork and a dedication to believing in him. It will be necessary for you and his father to work together, and for his Dad to take the lead in setting clear rules, expectations and consequences for "breaking" rules.

Talk with your husband to establish clear rules and consequences. At the same time, his father should set up some activity time to share with his son, regardless of what else is going on. In other words, if your stepson is not allowed to go out with friends or watch TV for several days because he did not follow house rules, it should in no way interfere with his father-son activity.

Relating time should be kept sacred between father and son, as well as any family time that the two of you share together or as a family group. Sports activity, going to a movie and taking a walk afterwards should be times that allow for interaction between father and son. Even a weekend away could set the mood for sharing and relating about the past, the present and provides an opportunity to absorb your stepson's anger in the consistency of a loving and caring parental-child relationship. Do not let him "win" by pushing you away. Set limits. But show him that he is still cared for, not abandoned. Providing a safe container for the expression of his anger is the key to taming the angry two year old inside.

Increasing his father's involvement by no means implies that you as his stepmother should disappear! It does mean that if you have stepped forward to fill the "mother" role, it may be wise to take a step back and take a break from this position. It may be time to revisit the past by reaffirming the original father-son bond. Doing so may provide opportunity for your stepson to process unresolved feelings about his mother.

Still, you remain a parental team. It is important that the two of you decide on actions and that you are backed by your husband in all ways that revolve around the care and interactions with your stepson. Attending family and individual counseling sessions for working through feelings may prove helpful at this time. However, individual counseling for your stepson should in no way cause your husband to retreat from engaging his son in strengthening their relationship.

Filling the role of "Mom" may be particularly thankless during this period. Garner your husband's support and understanding through this trying time. Establish a safe plan for your stepson to confront his feelings about his mother in a more tangible manner. Working through his grief and abandonment is a natural part of his development. Support your stepson to confront his demons instead of run away from them!

Source: askdrgayle.com

Marriage and Parenting: How to Find Unity Parenting a Blended Family

2007-07-26T22:25:00.000-07:00

Do you know parents in blended families arugue over discipline issues? Both partners come into the marriage with their own parenting styles, and these styles can be very different. However, when the couple works together they can blend their individual styles to create the best way to correct the children. Read on to discover communication tips on how to find unity parenting step-children.

The following question is one of the most common that I get from parents of blended families.

Question:

My wife and I have been married for two years. She has a son by a previous marriage. We argue frequently about how to discipline him. I think she is way too lenient and she thinks I am too strict. How do we resolve this?

Answer:

This is a common scenario. One of the most important principles is to present a united front to the child. Any disagreements you have about disciplining the child should occur behind closed doors, not in front of the child.

Try to negotiate and find a common ground before the discipline is given. Remember your spouse is not the enemy; you are parenting partners. As a couple, you may want to read some books on discipline together. This may help you come to an agreement on how to handle discipline issues.

There may also be underlying issues contributing to your disagreements. For example, the lenient parent may be feeling guilty about his or her previous divorce.

On the other hand, the stricter parent may be insecure in establishing his or her authority. He or she may think that by being overly strict that they can gain better control over the children.

If you are continuing to fight over discipline issues, then consider seeking professional counseling.

by Jeff Barnet

Article Source: EzineArticles

Wedding Flowers for Blended Families

2007-07-12T22:45:00.000-07:00

Weddings for blended families present challenges unique to them. There are many things to consider when planning these weddings and couples have to know from the start that there will be added stress that wasn't present the first time they both got married. While your own extended family may have gotten smaller if you divorced, your children's extended families is about to double in size. This wedding is not just about you and your future husband. It's about your children too.

If your darling little ones will be acting as flower girls and ring bearers, you have to consider inviting at least part of your ex's family and perhaps even your ex-spouse. Grandparents usually don't want to miss out on this event in their grandchildren's life and they very well might want to be there. Of course, if there's still a lot of bitterness and fighting, then it is best to keep everyone at the proverbial arm's length!

Since it's obvious that there will be additional stress involved with this wedding, why not eliminate some of it by ordering a silk wedding flower package? This can be done from the convenience of your home or office and the selection is fantastic! You can order silk wedding flower sets that include the bridal bouquet, as well as the wedding bouquets that your bridesmaids will be carrying. Boutonnieres, corsages, flower girl baskets and ring bearer pillows are also part of the package, which can be customized to match your individual needs. By choosing to order silk wedding flowers, you eliminate the last minute panic as you wait for the florist to arrive with your flowers. There won't be any mix-ups that can't be corrected, no broken off blossoms and no pre-wedding anxiety over whether or not you'll actually like the flowers. Besides, this is a new beginning. If you carried a fresh bridal bouquet in your first wedding, then now is the time to carry silk! Besides, your fresh wedding bouquet died, right? Silk will "live" forever, just like this new marriage of yours!

If this second marriage does include children, a beautiful symbol of the blending of these families would be to add a birth month flower for each child to your bridal bouquet. For example, suppose you have two children, one born in May and the other in June. Your groom has three children, with birthdays in January, March and August. This blended family bouquet would include lily-of-the-valley, a rose, a carnation, a daffodil and a poppy. Now let's assume that the wedding is in November in Connecticut. Daffodils are out of season, as are lily-of-the-valley. Poppies don't hold up well in wedding bouquets no matter what. The solution would be to use silk wedding flowers and add them to the bouquet. If you use a silk flower for each of the months, then you could pull the appropriate flower out of your bridal bouquet and hand it to each of the children before you leave for your honeymoon. This would be a special way to recognize each member of your new family.

Author Resource:- Bonnie Goodwin Ray has more than sixteen years experience in the wedding industry. She is the author of Wedding Planning Made Easier and has become a leading expert in silk wedding bouquets design.

Blended Family Problems? 21 Ways Counseling Can Help

2007-07-03T20:02:00.000-07:00

As a psychologist and counselor practicing in the Woodstock-Cary-Algonquin-Crystal Lake and Lake in the Hills areas of Illinois, I find that there are 21 essentials you can expect when receiving counseling for problems in your blended family.

But first, what are the signs of blended family problems?

1. Conflicting parenting practices between biological and stepparents

2. Child rejects the stepparents disciplinary practices

3. Biological parent foments dislike for stepparent

4. Biological and stepparent compete for power and control

5. Conflict develops among the children in the blended family

6. Ex-spouse interferes with the blended familys lifestyle

7. Childs behavior problems become personalized by the adults, causing fracture within the family system

If this sounds like your family, you should seek counseling. But when you begin treatment, what will your counselor do? How does marriage and family counseling for blended families work?

1. Your therapist will help you to identify the positives and negatives of the stepparents disciplinary procedures..

2. You counselor will create a neutral zone so family members can express themselves without fear of retaliation.

3. Your therapist may train you in certain communication skills to build the relationship between relevant spouses.

4. The marriage or family counselor will likely facilitate a healthy dialogue among disgruntled children and any step or adoptive parent.

5. Your family or marital counselor will likely help the children explore any feelings of conflict or disloyalty regarding biological parents.

6. Your psychologist or counselor will probably facilitate a healthy release of any of the childrens fear of abandonment or displaced anger that may be inhibiting acceptance of their stepparents directives.

7. Parents will be helped to identify and resolve conflicts between themselves in parenting strategies.

8. The stepparents disciplinary strictness or rigidity will be assessed as to whether it may be creating resistance on the part of the child.

9. Your therapist may assess the degree to which an ex-spouse may be unfairly blamed for parenting problems existing within the blended family.

10. The counselor will help the parents identify and resolve any insecurity or jealousy regarding warmth displayed between a parent and stepchild.

11. Your psychologist may invite a former spouse or biological parent into a joint session with other biological or stepparents in order to discuss and resolve differences in parenting philosophies and techniques.

12. You may be asked to consider any potential manipulation of the child in playing one parent against the other for territorial or power advantages.

13. The children will likely be reassured that they are not responsible for their parents conflicts and that these conflicts do not reflect adversely on their parents love for them.

14. The children may be asked to express directly or through a letter the foundation of their feelings for being treated unfairly by a stepparent.

15. You may be encouraged to negotiate with the children as to actions that they may perceive as fairer to them.

16. Your therapist may suggest a list of special activities that the parent and stepchildren can do to reduce any feelings of alienation.

17. Parents may be encouraged to behave assertively toward children from whom they are afraid of receiving a negative response.

18. The therapist may help you to identify self-defeating patterns relevant to your parenting skills that may exist in your blended family and suggest ways of modifying them.

19. The therapist may prescribe psychological testing for some members of the family, children or parents, to expose any factors that may be neglected in isolating the causes of the family strife.

20. You will be helped to identify sources of ongoing support and reassurance to effectively improve and hone your parenting skills.

21. If you are engaging in any unusual parenting strategies, their methods and effects will be reviewed to be sure that they are contributing efficiently to the well-being of the family.

Author Resource:- Dr Shery is in Cary, IL, near Algonquin, Crystal Lake, Marengo and Lake-in-the-Hills. He's an expert marriage counselor and psychologist. Call 1 847 516 0899 and make an appt or learn more about counseling. Article From Articles On Tap

Stepmoms step up to the plate

2007-06-20T20:47:00.000-07:00

ALEXANDRIA, Va. — Many women dream of becoming moms. Few dream of becoming stepmoms. On their good days, stepmothers think of themselves as bonus moms or mentor moms. On their bad days — and that often includes Mother's Day — they believe they are thought of by stepkids and ex-wives as something just above pond scum. Or not thought about much at all. Those who monitor the family say stepmoms need to be thought about. New research shows they do not often fare well with their stepchildren.

Yet many experts say stepmothers have a key role in making a blended family work. And they note that the blended family — whether the parents are married or just living together — is the family form of the future.

More than half of all Americans today have been, are now or will eventually be in one or more step situations, says the Stepfamily Association of America. About 30% of all kids are likely to spend time in some sort of "stepping" arrangement. And those kids are increasingly likely to be spending more time with a stepmom as courts begin favoring joint custody that increases the children's time with dad.

Many stepmoms are reaching out for help and finding innovative ways to succor others, particularly through Internet support groups. Most of those on the front lines do have battle scars. Kristin Lee Mead, 34, of Alexandria, Va., has stepmotherhood down quite well now. But at times being a stepmom has made Mead feel "lost inside my own head, with no idea how to make it work."

For a variety of reasons, not all stepchildren hold their stepmoms dear to their hearts. A growing body of disturbing research documents that the myth of the "evil stepmother" dies hard. Her new husband's children may simply never truly accept her, a woman they see as an interloper.

Among recent findings suggesting that stepmoms are often not cherished by stepchildren:

Only about 20% of adult stepkids feel close to their stepmoms, says the pioneering work of E. Mavis Hetherington involving 1,400 families of divorce, some studied almost 30 years. "The competition between non-custodial mothers and stepmothers was remarkably enduring," she writes in For Better or For Worse: Divorce Reconsidered.
Only about one-third of adult children think of stepmoms as parents, suggests Constance Ahrons' 20-year research project. Half regard their stepdads as parents. About 48% of those whose moms had remarried were happy with the new union. Only 29% of those whose dads had remarried liked the idea of a stepmom. Ahrons is a sociologist and senior researcher with the non-profit Council on Contemporary Families.

Stepmoms, Ahrons says, tend to get overly involved in their stepchildren's lives, whether the kids actually live with them or not. Stepdads often back off and stay out of the fray. Stepmoms need to approach the stepkids "very, very slowly. The women want so badly to be part of the family, and they tend to come on too strong too soon."

Huge numbers of stepfamilies are making it, melding successfully. But others fight jealousies, unrealistic expectations of instant love, the financial demands of child support, ill-defined roles and a constant undertow of tension.

Married two years, Tammy Matthews, 30, of Montgomery, N.Y., still struggles. Being a stepmom "has been tougher than I thought." She is lucky, she knows. She has two prime ingredients of a sound stepfamily: a supportive husband and "great" stepdaughters, ages 7 and 11. The girls spend Wednesday nights and every other weekend with Matthews and their dad.

Still, "I have no children of my own, and to have, poof, like an instant family, just add water, was a difficult transition."

New stepmoms can quickly feel overburdened. The stepdad tends to rely on his new wife to be the emotional glue that holds the new family together. Even if his children don't live full time with her, she tends to be deeply involved in their lives.

"Women are still socialized to care for the kids," says James Bray, author of Stepfamilies, based on nine years of government-funded research. "And men will let women do that. Unfortunately, men will dump the care of the children on the stepmom."

She may tire of the kids' hostility, the lack of involvement of her well-meaning husband, the resentment from an ex-wife who will never accept her right to love the children.

Many stepmoms will throw in the towel, leaving kids to go through a second parental divorce, says Diane Sollee, founder of the Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education. The role of the stepmother "is pivotal in the redivorce equation. That is true whether you are rich or poor, black or white or green. This stepmother thing is across the board."

The statistics are not encouraging. While the divorce rate is leveling off, it is still worse for second marriages than for first-timers. About 48% of second marriages fail, while about 40% to 43% of first marriages do. Approximately 65% of remarriages involve children and create instant stepfamilies.

Stepmothers come to Sollee with amazing stories. "A stepmom will tell me that the biological mother is a drug addict, that she beats her kids, but the kids still love their mom and won't be nice to me."

To make these often fragile blended family arrangements work, stepmoms are attending workshops and conferences, clogging Internet chat rooms and message boards with plaintive requests for help, joining real-life and virtual-support groups, starting associations, drawing on a growing cottage industry of books and reaching out to other women who understand.

They are very creative about how to find and give help. Stepmom Katherine McMillan, 30, of Oshawa, Ontario, will celebrate Mother's Day in cyberspace. She and about 30 friends from StepTogether, an Internet support group with 700 stepmoms, have partnered up two by two to exchange little gifts, running maybe $10.

"It's our own way of recognizing what we do," McMillan says. "We can celebrate each other."

Then in June she and a gaggle of stepmoms, including Tammy Matthews, will take a step past virtual friendship. They and others will host what they think is the first widespread series of small, weekend retreats for stepmoms who want to weave a stepfamily together. Confabs are scheduled on various dates in Oshawa, Ontario; Norfolk, Va.; Indianapolis; Mahwah, N.J; Detroit; and Houston.

Others take alternative routes to helping beleaguered stepmoms re-establish their sanity. Mead is starting a Northern Virginia chapter of the Stepfamily Association of America after spending some time on the Internet with StepTogether.org.

"Just entering a room with a lot of stepmothers, that feeling you are accepted and welcomed is something you can't find anywhere else," she says.

In the words of the stepfamily literature, Mead's family is now "stepping" well. She lives in a sophisticated apartment with her husband of four years, Luis Albright, 47, and his 15-year-old daughter, Sarah. His 14-year-old daughter lives nearby with her single mom, while his 20-year-old son, who lived with them earlier for two years, is in the process of setting up housekeeping on his own.

Albright, whom Mead calls "very grounded," does the lion's share of the daily work of parenting Sarah.

Over time, Mead has figured out the answer to the question virtually every stepmom must face: "Where do I fit in?"

Her job in this family, she says, "is to listen, to provide that communication. Let the biological parent parent. If you want to be a mother, then have your own baby."

She and Sarah are totally "on the same wavelength," Mead says. But still, "this is someone else's child. She has both a mother and a father."

The ability to detach takes practice, she says. "What woman can detach from a child who is in her care? It can be heartbreaking."

Sarah declares her stepmom "cool" and quite spontaneously gives her a hug.

"You have to be mindful and respectful of your stepparent," the teen says. After all, "she is married to one of your biological parents."

These two have bonded. But the experts say the relationship between a teenage stepdaughter and stepmother can be truly horrific.

"This issue is just huge," says Susan Shapiro Barash, author of Second Wives. Her next book will center on the struggle. A daughter is already competing with her mother, and then this new woman comes along, Barash says. And the stepdaughter becomes "keenly aware of what the new woman does for her father that her mother didn't do."

There have been and will be problems, this Virginia family acknowledges.

"There has been a lot of stuff I have held close to my heart," Mead says. "I didn't want to feel that way, and I didn't want to inflict those feelings on my family."

Overall, though, she says her steps have enriched her life.

Sarah "has given me access to younger parts of myself. She has brought out my sense of play." Being a stepmom has "caused something excellent to happen to my life."

By Karen S. Peterson, USA TODAY

Stepparenting: Punishment May Differ in Each Parent's House

2007-06-18T19:42:00.000-07:00

When biological parents have joint custody, the children will quickly realize that just as the rules may differ from house to house, so does the punishment. One parent may use "time out" while the other believes in spankings. One may take away privileges such as television watching or playing on the computer while the other just lectures or yells. While it would be easier on the children if the biological parents could agree on the same punishment for infractions of rules, this compromise rarely seems to occur.

In some cases, when the biological parents communicate effectively, each will honor the other's punishment restrictions. "Your father said you aren't permitted to watch television for a week so you won't be able to here until that week is up," a mother tells her youngster. Others, however, argue that each household must enforce the punishment within those confines and not expect the other parent to require compliance in his or her house.

My personal feeling is that as rules differ from household to household, so does the punishment. One parent may call upon punishment for infractions that the other would overlook or consider minor. Unless the deed was truly one requiring a strict hand—such as creating bodily harm to self or another, use of alcohol or drugs, and so on, the punishment should be carried out in and restricted to the home in which the behavior was presented. As with most decisions, however, the final action of this matter should really be determined by the two adults most responsible for the child's well-being, the biological parents.

Ten Rules For More Effective Discipline
Children need discipline in their lives so they know what's expected of them. It is vital for them to have this structure for behavior to make them feel secure, loved, and a valuable pan of their family. These ten rules may help you to become more effective in setting up rules for your blended family.

Explain the rules in a way that is age appropriate for each of the children.

Be consistent.

Lower your voice, which forces them to listen.

Never threaten what you can't/won't deliver.

Let the punishment fit the deed.

Don't name call.

Speak to the act, not the actor.

Teach cause and effect.

Let bygones be bygones.

Stay in the present.

Excerpted from:

Managing Relationships with Your Child’s Other Parent

2007-06-14T19:55:00.000-07:00

Divorce is a painful experience. Afterwards, adults may want to forget the past and make a fresh start. When children are involved, former spouses can’t avoid seeing each other. Rather than forget the past, adults need to allow themselves to experience all the feelings that come with a deep loss. Anger, guilt and grief are natural parts of mourning a lost marriage.

Allowing feelings to surface, in a constructive manner, can often help adults cope with them and move on. If former spouses don’t cope with their negative feelings, their relationships may remain tense for years. Strained relations between their divorced parents can be especially painful for children. They can sense hostility between their parents. They may feel stuck in the middle of arguments over child-support, child-contact schedules or child-rearing practices.

Focusing on their children’s wellbeing can help former spouses find common ground. Researchers found that unless domestic violence or child abuse has occurred, children generally have a better adjustment to divorce when they keep contact with both biological parents. It can be hard for former spouses to share children, but the benefits generally outweigh the difficulties. Children should be free to express their good feelings about both biological parents and stepfamilies. Parents often have to work hard at controlling their negative feelings. They must try not to complain about former spouses in front of children. Parents can help their children adjust to new living arrangements by understanding what they are going through. The “co-parenting” relationship will affect children, as will living in two households.

Co-parenting (cooperative parenting)

Former spouses will need to work out arrangements that work the best for them. Some separated and divorced couples co-parent cooperatively. They remain friendly enough to discuss different aspects of parenting. Children will feel less confused when parents can work out agreements about details such as bedtimes or household rules.

Parallel parenting

However, after divorce most people still have conflicts between them. They may find trying to agree on issues such as bedtimes or curfews lead to arguments. This doesn’t help them or their children. These parents can develop a “parallel parenting” arrangement. In this case, parents make decisions only for their own households.

When relationships are tense, many former spouses find it more comfortable to keep their conversations business-like. They only discuss the children, not other aspects of their lives. They discuss disagreements over their children when the children aren’t around. Having disagreements doesn’t mean that either parent is a failure; married couples disagree—so do divorced parents. Even parents who have different rules and styles, however, can both be first-rate parents. Whether they choose to have a lot of contact or a little, former spouses should always communicate directly. Problems arise when adults ask children to be messengers. For example, a father who says, “Tell your mother she’ll have to drop you off early next week,” places his child right in the middle.

The child may accidentally convey the wrong message. Or he or she may get caught in an argument. If this change in plans makes the mother angry, the child may believe, “If it weren’t for me they wouldn’t be fighting.” When caught between hostile parents, children often feel guilty and unsure of their parents’ love.

Adults should work out all the arrangements for young children. If asked to decide about when they “want” to see their parents, young children may feel pressured to choose one parent over the other. A child may not want to spend time with one parent fearing that the other will be lonely. By closely following the predetermined child-contact schedule, parents will be saying, “It’s okay for you to go.” Parents can ask older children to share their opinions about when they will spend time with their parents. Discussing plans with a child before working out the details with the other household is a good idea. Even though the adults make the arrangements, the child will have a chance to state what he or she wants.

Tips for co-parenting

• The state of New Hampshire requires that parents complete a “parenting plan” before they divorce. Instead of seeing this as another hoop to jump through, try and use this time as an opportunity to establish a positive co-parenting relationship with the other parent. Your children will be the better for it.

• Try to develop a business-like relationship with your former spouse. Set up a special time to talk with your former spouse about decisions or plans. Transition times can be difficult. For example, your former spouse may come in your house without knocking. He may sit down in front of the television while the kids get ready. If this makes you uncomfortable, find another place to transfer the children. You may feel more comfortable meeting at a neutral place like a restaurant or store. Don’t discuss important issues when transferring children from one household to another. This can cause tempers to flare and upset children. In some cases it’s best to hold discussions with your former spouse over the telephone. This way, you may end the call if necessary. Other parents communicate through letters or e-mail. Keep the communication on track. Stick to discussing issues such as child-contact or holiday arrangements, financial matters and topics related to the children’s school or their health.

• If you are unhappy about something your former spouse has done, approach the subject by discussing the children. Try saying, “Jimmy feels excited when he knows he’s going to see you, but when you’re late, he says he’s disappointed and that you don’t really want to spend time with him.”

• Keep agreements and do your best not to break appointments.

• Don’t discuss personal matters with your former spouse. Keep away from topics such as dating or other intimate details of your lives.

• Focus on what you can control in the situation rather than trying to change your former spouse. If your former spouse calls your house early each school morning, consider what you can control. In this case, you may work together to find a better time to call. If this doesn’t help, you may decide to not answer the phone.

• Don’t make unreasonable demands of a former spouse and don’t allow him or her to expect extra favors from you. It’s inappropriate for a former spouse to expect you to work on a car or mow the lawn. It’s also unfair for you to ask him or her to change plans at the last minute. Both parents must honor commitments about parenting and support the children.

• Remember, always try to be polite.

When co-parenting isn’t working

• Do you worry that your former spouse isn’t considering your child’s best interests? You may feel like making it hard for him or her. If you do, your child suffers the results. The best situation is to have two parents who act in their child’s best interest. The next best situation is having one parent who acts in the child’s best interest. The worst is having two parents who are so angry with each other that neither can keep the child’s interests in mind.

• In some cases you may need to contact an attorney to discuss alternatives. You may need outside help if you fear the current arrangements are harming your child and you can’t work it out with your former spouse.

• Find neutral ways to deliver messages to your former spouse. Try using email as a way to deliver these messages or send a letter through the mail.

• Don’t send messages to your former spouse through your children. It’s equally important to have children speak directly to the parent involved about their feelings and concerns. Teenagers may need encouragement and support to tell a parent why they doesn’t want to see him/her. Remember, your children should be responsible for their own feelings and decisions. Don’t put yourself in the middle.

• Some families find it helpful to involve a counselor, pastor or divorce mediator.

• Know what community resources are available. Tap these resources when you need support. You may feel frustrated when communication with a former spouse is strained. You may need advice or some one to talk to.

Children and adults benefit when co-parenting relationships are successful. When former spouse relationships are strained, business-like arrangements can help adults to work together. You and your spouse also can support one another when working out difficulties with a former spouse. As you share ideas and work together, you will be solving problems and creating a positive atmosphere for your stepfamily. Clear communication and flexibility are key.

Sources:
Papernow, P. Becoming a stepfamily: Patterns of development in remarried families, San Francisco: Jossey-Bass Publishers,1993.
Shared Custody: Increasing Benefits and Reducing Strains, Oregon State University Extension Service.
McKenry, P.C. & Price.S. (Eds.) (2000). Families and change. London: Sage Publications, Inc.

How to Avoid Becoming the "Wicked Stepmother"

2007-06-06T22:57:00.000-07:00

Q: I need advice on disciplining my five-year-old stepdaughter. Her father is reluctant to discipline her and that responsibility falls on me. He says he is going to take an active role in parenting but usually does not. I feel that I am becoming the wicked stepmother. How can I get him to help control her behavior when she acts inappropriately?

A: You are on the road to becoming the "wicked stepmother"! This is a common pitfall for stepmoms. The terrain of the stepfamily needs to be carefully navigated if you are not to make this fairytale character come true. Should you continue to be the disciplinarian in your family your relationship with your stepdaughter will suffer. This should be her father's role, as you suggest and not yours.

One of the strongest predictor's for success in stepfamily development is the relationship between stepparent and stepchild. The second strongest predictor is a good couples' bond. Since the biological bond between parent and child predates the couples' relationship, the need to honor and respect the boundaries of this previous bond is essential prior to fully incorporating a stepparent as a major authority figure. Any shortcuts precipitate problems later.

Oftentimes, because of cultural loading on mothers to be the primary caregivers, stepmothers are susceptible to being placed in this role precipitously. Men more than women, following divorce, tend towards looking for a "replacement mother" to continue the work the biological mother did in the biologically intact family unit. This is a setup for failure and frustration! Do not take this role on. Step back and require that your husband play the "heavy" or you are likely to end up the scapegoat for everyone's negative feelings in the family.

Love includes discipline. Your husband is failing to cope with parenthood. Perhaps the dynamic in his last marriage was to leave this part of the job to Mom and he is attempting to do the same here. This could have also played a part in the failure of the first marriage, if responsibility for parenting was left to one parent! But you are not the parent. Your stepdaughter has a mother and a father.

Tell your husband you do not want to discipline his child, as it gets in the way of your forging a friendship with her. It takes time for a stepfamily to bond. Let him know that his lack of limit setting as a parent is jeopardizing the future of your family. (And simultaneously undermines whatever authority you do muster in the situation) By putting you in charge of discipline, he is setting up a situation in which he is the good guy and you are the bad guy. This void in parenting by him runs the risk of communicating to his daughter that he does not love her enough to do the hard part of the job! And leaving it to you ensures that your relationship to your stepdaughter will become wrought with conflict, before you have ever have the opportunity to secure your bond.

This kind of situation is not fair to any of you. Refuse to take this on, even if it means leaving him alone in the room with his daughter and her out of bounds behavior. Continue to develop a positive relationship to your stepdaughter. Take her on special outings the two of you can enjoy together if possible. But keep it simple and the interaction positive. Try to develop a good friendship with her. However, do not get drafted into the middle between your husband and his daughter. If your husband experiences difficulty developing this aspect of his parental responsibilities, ask him to seek out the advice of other fathers. Refer him to fathering resources on ParentsPlace. Perhaps a fathers' support group could serve to help him reflect on his own relationship with his father, and why this part of parenting is so hard for him. It is his job to do whatever it takes to develop his ability to cope with parenting. Developing his parenting skills is his obligation as a parent. He owes this to his daughter, as well as himself.

Approximately 50% of remarriages end in divorce, in part due to unrealistic expectations for family roles and relationships. Do not be seduced into "mothering" this child because she already has a mother and a father. Try instead to forge a special friendship. Over time, as your bond grows, you may gradually and quite naturally acquire the status of an authority figure who can also discipline. But you will not be filling in for your husband's lacks. With time and patience on your side, you may have the opportunity to grow into a workable stepfamily. Otherwise you may find yourself seeking a divorce as refuge from the "wicked stepmother" you could become.

The Extended Family

2007-06-03T20:14:00.000-07:00

The shape of the American family is changing for the better, becoming more inclusive, more diverse, and more extended. Shared custody(both legal and physical) is becoming more the norm, and unlike in the past—when many biofathers left the scene—biodads are often very involved in parenting their kids after a divorce. More involvement means more adults in parenting roles and far more well-combined families.

The only problem with this improved state of affairs is that the more people there are involved in any activity, the more time it takes to plan things and to negotiate through differences of opinion. (Hey, as far as I'm concerned, this caffeine-based, gotta-hurry generation could all use a little more slowing down and time-taking anyway.)

The Value of the Extended Family

Children need other people (don't we all?). Kids do best (and parents, stepparents, and families survive intact) when there's a support network of many people, including relatives, adult friends, teachers, and members of the community.

In any community, the people who live there are mostly luck-of-the-draw; you don't get to pick the residents. You don't get to choose your partner's ex, either, or the family of your partner's ex (nor did they get to pick you!). Nonetheless, all of these people are a distinct part of your community now. Recognize that they are part of your stepchild's (and therefore your) support network, and you are part of theirs. The more you're able to see the wider picture and accept the abundance and diversity of this network, the easier it will be for you to rise above individual disagreements.

You can say it's for the sake of the kids, but the sake of the kids is your sake, too. It's nearly impossible for your stepchild to bond with you when your obvious dislike of her other bioparent gets in the way. She'll feel that getting close to you will hurt her biomom or biodad.

No! You don't have to get all buddy-buddy with the ex now. A working, respectful relationship doesn't mean beer dates, bowling, or heart-to-hearts. Your stepdaughter's soccer coach is also involved in your community, but you don't feel compelled to borrow clothes or tools from her, do you? Work on developing a practical partnership with the ex, not a close friendship.

Take the First Step with the Ex

If things are heating up toward nuclear meltdown, or if the Cold War has been going on for a while, it may be up to you to begin the peace process. Take a deep breath, keep the wide-angle lens open, and begin.

In her book Cherishing Our Daughters, Evelyn Bassoff recommends writing a letter to the bioparent to break the ice. (You could do this over the phone or in person, but it's easier and makes more of an impression when i letter might say something like this:

You are there for the child, and although being a stepparent has its challenges and may not have been your first-choice role, you welcome the child into your life.
You are not trying to take over her parenting role.
You are committed to doing the best you can to try to be a kind, adult friend to her child.
You would like to put aside disagreements and put the child's interests first.
You are available to talk or correspond any time she has anything to discuss.

For many people, getting over the initial hump is the hardest. Yes, you run the risk of being snubbed, but your efforts may pay off—and if they do, they'll pay off big-time. Think how much easier your life would be if you didn't have that churning anxiety every time you or your partner had to deal with the ex.

The Cooperation Concept

Cooperation and parenting collaboration with the ex will pay off in more than the money you'll save on antacids and headache relief. You can be a better stepparent if you enlist your partner's ex as a parenting ally. Think of the advantages! You can share information and ideas about problems your stepchildren are having. You and your partner are not as likely to be manipulated by your stepkid. And your stepkids will be happier. They won't feel tension in the air, they'll feel more secure, and they'll accept you sooner and with more grace.

Defeating antagonism takes time. Keep trying—it's worth it.

The Other Relatives

Your partner has broken up with the ex and has found fabulous you! Yet, because your partner has kids, there are still more “other” relatives in the picture besides those Other Grands. (Remember them—and see The Rights of Grandparents). Who else is involved? What about your stepkids' aunts, uncles, cousins, second cousins, and third-cousins-twice-removed? Your partner's ex's relatives may very well be a part of your new family's network.

Here's another opportunity to grow your community and incorporate more concerned adults into your extended family. Once again, it may be up to you to take the first steps, especially if your partner's past relationship crashed, flamed, and burned.

Setting Reasonable Goals

In all your stepparenting endeavors, it's vital to keep your expectations in check and to set reasonable goals for yourself and for your stepfamily.

There's a slogan I keep posted on my office wall: “Perfect is the Enemy of Good.” If you try for perfection, you are doomed to fail. Aim your hardest for “good enough.” Do the best you can, and be patient. Change takes time. Be kind to yourself.

Defeating Guilt

“Guilt is the gift that keeps on giving,” said Erma Bombeck. Used wrongly, guilt can be a destructive force to you and to others. But guilt can be a positive force when it reminds us that we always have the opportunity to improve ourselves and our actions.

It's hard to read an advice book, especially when it points out things that you've done wrong and suggests ways of doing things that you haven't done. Don't let guilt over your past stepparenting practices freeze you in your footsteps. Don't beat yourself up. It's never too late to make changes, and it's never too late to improve your step relationships.

Telling Your Stepchildren About Your First Pregnancy

2007-05-31T13:34:00.000-07:00

Congratulations you're going to be a mother! You have all of the emotions from excitment to anxiety to confusion of a first time expectant mom. You have one thing that many first time expectant moms don't have: a stepchild.

You are a member of the growing group of expectant moms who are a part of a blended or stepfamily. You are faced with the unique challenge of having your first baby with a husband who has a child or children from a previous relationship.

Regardless of your relationship with your stepchildren,they may experience jealousy or insecurity that daddy is having another baby.

Dad should assure the children that his heart is big enough to love all of his children and that no one will take their place in his eyes.

Now it's your turn to talk to your stepchildren. What should you say? Consider the following:

Never offer assurance by saying things won't change after the baby is born. A baby brings changes in life. You probably won't feel like hosting your stepchild's slumber party after staying up the previous night with your crying newborn.

Do offer assurance by saying that even though you will have to eliminate some of your activities during pregnancy and after the baby arrives, your stepchild will always have a place in your heart.

Never offer assurance by saying you will love your newborn the same as your stepchild. Even if you believe this is true at the time you announce your pregnancy, don't say it. Why?

As the months progress, you will be taken by surprise at the intensity of love you feel for the growing baby inside of you. Seeing the first ultrasound and feeling the first movements create a bond that develops long before your baby is born. A stepmom usually does not have the opportunity to develop a bond with her stepchild before birth.

The bond of a first time expectant mom can be so great with her developing baby that if she is a stepmom, she often wishes her husband was sharing the experience as a first time dad as well.

Do offer assurance by reaffirming your love or by reaffirming the special place your stepchild has in your heart. Remind your stepchild that the new baby will be a part of him or her.

Being a stepmom expecting her first baby is no easy feat. In addition to the unsettling emotions pregnancy hormones bring, you have the challenges of a blended or stepfamily.

Take time to relax, pamper yourself and talk about your feelings with those you trust. Cherish each day you grow closer to meeting the little one you're carrying. Before you know it one day when you hold your baby, you'll know why mothers refer to their little ones as "the hearts outside of their bodies."

Article Source: Cynthia Wilson James is a childbirth educator, author, a midlife mom of two bubbly toddlers and a stepmom. She gave birth at age 42 to her first child and a second child at age 44. You can reach her at her website http://inseasonmom.org

Blending Families Takes Work!

2007-05-28T20:35:00.000-07:00

Dr. David Hawkins
The Relationship Doctor

We live in a day when divorce is much more common than it was twenty-five years ago, and because of this, there are more and more blended families. We call them by different names -stepfamilies, ready-made families, and blended families -referring to families where one or both spouses have been married before and often have children from previous relationships.

Imagine the following scenario:

A woman was previously married for seven years and has two young children from that marriage. The marriage ended acrimoniously because of her ex’s chronic unfaithfulness. There is still a great deal of tension between them and any conversation concerning the children results in an opportunity for ongoing conflict.
After being single for three years, she began dating. A year and a half later she married her husband. He is several years older, and has been married twice previously, with one grown son from his first marriage and two teenage children from his second marriage. He gets along very well with his two ex-spouses.

While this woman loves this man, they are already experiencing some of the typical challenges facing blended families. This is one of many different combinations of blended families; his kids/her kids/ their kids; active ex-spouse, distant ex-spouse; cooperative relationships/acrimonious relationships with the ex, to name a few.

Consider some of these common hurdles for blended families:

• Children having loyalty issues between their natural parents and stepparents;
• Children feeling jealousy toward the other children;
• Entanglements, both positive and negative, with ex-spouses;
• Challenges with including the “new spouse” in decision-making about the stepchildren;
• Jealousy of the stepparent toward the stepchildren;
• Blending estates and finances;
• Blending religious and spiritual values;
• Ensuring the new marriage has appropriate time and attention;
• Guarding against too high of expectations for the new marriage and family;
• Establishing the identity of the “new” family.

With these challenges in mind, you won’t be surprised to hear that counseling those in blended families has been some of my most difficult work. While these families have many positive things to share with one another, they also have struggles not encountered by families without this history.

Here’s a recent Message Board request, suggesting concerns with blending families:

Dear Dr. Hawkins,
I am new at this and I consider myself to be a very spiritual individual, meaning that I do believe that my relationship with God is true. I recently married and now I am separated. To make a long story short, we started encountering problems when my 15 year old step daughter came to live with us. I have a 17 year old daughter who I admire, but I thought if I treated them with the same affection that every thing would be ok. Now he lives with his daughter and I live with mine. I pray daily for us to come together as a family, but it has been 3 weeks now. I want to grow old with my husband, but I don't know what to say without causing conflicts. I know that every thing happens for a reason, I just wish I knew this reasoning, I pray that it is from God and not from my husband’s reasoning. Pray for me because I love him and I want our marriage to work, I'm just at a stand still with being positive right now.

Clearly this woman is experiencing some of the “typical” problems encountered by stepfamilies. While the exact nature of their problems is unclear, it is likely that they, like most stepfamilies, failed to fully anticipate and prepare for blending families. Her note suggests there was conflict between her 15 year old stepdaughter and 17 year old daughter.

It is also quite obvious that she and her husband aren’t problem-solving effectively. They have failed to manage the conflict that is common to blending families and he has chosen to separate rather than continue to struggle with the issues.

What can this woman do now? While I’ll offer a few ideas, I’d love for you to weigh in on this issue. Assuming that the heart of the matter involves tensions between the two girls, and divided loyalties, what can she do now?

One, invite your husband to talk with a third party about the problems. Perhaps your pastor or professional counselor can help you untangle the conflicts and speak to each other in such a way so as to solve problems. Whomever you choose to counsel with, make sure they have some familiarity with stepfamilies and problems associated with them.

Two, use this time to examine your heart and reflect on the issues. While your heart is clearly breaking, the space between the four of you can be used to explore what isn’t working and how to come back together more effectively.

Three, consider family counseling, with a therapist familiar with blended family issues. It is quite likely that in addition to marriage counseling, the teenage girls need to have a voice in the matter as well. Children in blended families have a huge influence on how effectively the blending process occurs. You need to listen to their voice.

Fourth, read everything you can on blended families. I have written a very readable book on the topic: When You’re Living in a Stepfamily. There are many other good books that will help you understand what you’ve done well, and what needs improvement.

Finally, you are right about the separation occurring for a reason—though that doesn’t mean you should passively wait for it to end. Look and listen carefully to your husband to learn about what led him to separate. Listen with an open mind and a willingness to learn. Take what you learn and make healthy changes.

Source: CBN.com

Two sisters, two different moms—TV's 'half & half' takes a fresh look at the blended black family

2007-05-24T20:17:00.000-07:00

Take the Carringtons from "Dynasty," add 100 percent more humor and 200 percent more color and you have the Thornes, a family who puts the "fun" in dysfunctional in the sitcom "Half & Half." And while the title sounds like something you put in your coffee, there's nothing halfhearted about the UPN show, which is one of the most popular series on television with Black audiences. It also has earned nods from the NAACP, which honored the sitcom with four Image Award nominations--including one for Outstanding Comedy Series--a first for the show in its two-year run on UPN.

And signs are pointing to a third season of Monday night mayhem for the sitcom, which chronicles the adventures of two adult half-sisters with the same father who grew up in different homes and are trying to bond for the first time in their lives.

There's a lot of reality in the silliness that is our show," says Telma Hopkins, who stars as Phyllis Thorne, the ex-wife of San Francisco real estate mogul Charles Thorne (Obba Babatunde) and single mother to their daughter, Mona (Rachel True). "You've got two girls with just their daddy in common, who really don't know each other. You've got two mothers who are always bickering, who have their own insecurities. The people on this show, as ridiculous as they can be, are still people with whom you can identify since there are many, many broken families out there."

The show centers on Mona, a free-spirited neophyte music executive, and her younger half-sister Dee Dee Thorne (Essence Atkins), a very privileged, very pampered law school student, who become neighbors in the same apartment building, which their father happens to own.

Mona's parents, who met in high school and got married right out of college, divorced after three years of marriage. "One of the reasons Phyllis and Charles split up was because he wanted to pursue real estate as an entrepreneur and she was afraid of backing him," Atkins explains. "He eventually separated from her because he felt like she wasn't being supportive of' his dreams. So they got divorced and he met [Dee Dee's] mother.".

And that's the moment the fireworks began between the two Thorne matriarchs. After all, Dee Dee's mom, Big Dee Dee Thorue (Valarie Pettiford), has been a true thorn in Phyllis' side.

"What can we not say about Big Dee Dee," laughs Pettiford, who plays the woman folks love to hate. "She speaks her mind, whether you like it or not. She's rich, she loves Life, she loves who she is and what she represents, and she loves her family. And believe it or not, she loves and respects Phyllis--that's her sparring partner. She sharpens her teeth with her and she gives as good as she gets."

The cast agrees that their outrageous antics hook the viewers, but the realism of the story lines also reels in audiences week after week.

"I think the show is successful because it's funny, it's positive and it strikes an honest chord with people," says "Half & Half" executive producer Yvette Lee Bowser, who herself has four older half-siblings. "It's an accurate depiction of' blended families, which is how 60 percent of the families in America look today."

In fact, most of the "Half & Half" cast are part of blended families like the Thornes. True's real-life parents are divorced and she has a younger half-sister. Atkins informs that although she didn't have siblings in childhood, she now has a younger half-brother on her father's side. And Chico Benymon, who plays Mona's best friend Spencer Williams, says he didn't grow up with one of his brothers.

Bowser, who also created and executive-produced the top-rated sitcom "Living Single," says that her own experiences as the youngest child in a blended family serve as constant story-line fodder.

"I just basically rip pages out of my diary to tell stories on TV," admits Bowser, who modeled Mona and Dee Dee after herself and an older sister who lives with her. "There's a lot of me in Mona and a lot of me in Dee Dee. These two women are the two sides of sisterhood."

True says she too has a lot in common with Mona, whom she describes as the "everyman of the show." The actress and her alter ego both have a quick wit--although True points out that Mona has a team of writers feeding her those snappy one-liners. And True, like her character, is "a bit of a hermit." True says that she and Mona even own similar pieces of furniture in their apartments, which she swears is a coincidence, and they both share the same "weird sense of style."

"All my life people have said to me, 'Oh Rachel, only you could pull that off.' I knew they didn't really mean it as a compliment, but I just took it as one because I think that being different is a neat thing," says True, who vehemently refuses to give up the Frankenstein boots she rocks on the show. "I know platforms are out--I don't care. I'm 5 feet 3 OK! So with the boots I'm 5 feet 6 and I rule the world!"

Half-sister Dee Dee, on the other hand, is the optimist of the family, Atkins says. "She's the most bright-eyed and bushy-tailed character. It was her idea to move into the building so that she can get to know her sister better. She really has a great amount of hope in all."

Atkins also acknowledges that although Dee Dee is spoiled and very sheltered, there is hope for her.

"She's finding her wings this second season. She's definitely more sensitive and she's also been through more of her own struggles, having removed herself a little bit from the shadow of her mother," Atkins says.

As for similarities, Atkins admits that she and Dee Dee definitely share the same compulsive habit of cleaning things when they're anxious or upset. But unlike Dee Dee, Atkins is more pragmatic than her character and wasn't born with a silver spoon in her mouth.

"And it's very rare that you would catch me in a pair of hot pants," she jokes,

Despite their differences, the Thorne sisters and their families always unite when they need to unite--a message the show tries hard to convey.

"Even though they are truly dysfunctional, when push comes to shove, they are a family," Hopkins notes.

Bowser promises fans of the show some big changes in the Thorne clan in upcoming episodes.

"Mona and Dee Dee are becoming more integral to each other's lives," she says. "Of course Big Dee Dee is going to be having her baby and everyone is going to be making adjustments for the new little one in the family. Spencer is going to be making some big moves and Phyllis is getting a very significant man in her life, portrayed by actor Lou Gossett Jr."

But when it comes to the burning question in everyone's minds, will Spencer and Mona take the leap from friends to lovers? Benymon says that fans will just have to wait to see.

"There is some possibility that could happen in the near future," he alludes. "It's definitely a roller coaster that everybody's gonna like."

Reflecting on the show, Bowser says that she hopes to present the many facets of Black life to audiences. "We're not a monolith," she asserts. "We're not always angry, sassy or uneducated. We have many, many shadings, and not just in our skin tone. We deserve to be heard and seen."

The "Half & Half" cast certainly reflects this diversity and strives for it in the show.

"Mona's a weird alterna-chick and we really haven't seen a Black actress play this kind of role," True says. "I love that Yvette breaks some of the stereotypes and has been able to give Black women a strong voice."

Atkins agrees. "I would love for eur viewers to see the grace and the elegance of Black women," she says. "And I would love for them to see themselves in these characters."

by Nicole Walker
COPYRIGHT 2004 Johnson Publishing Co.
COPYRIGHT 2004 Gale Group

Remarriage Can Be Magic

2007-05-22T09:13:00.000-07:00

Remarriage is tricky. Actually, marriage of any kind is tricky. To have a healthy marriage or remarriage, you need to develop many skills and have great determination to succeed.

Remarriage, though, has far more challenges than a first marriage. The good news, though, is that if you can get past those challenges, remarriage can be magic!

Here are five ways you can create a magical remarriage.

1. Remarriages often don’t work because of all the baggage that the couple brings into the marriage with them. A person who has been divorced usually has more hurt, anger and fear than a person who is getting married for the first time. A person whose spouse has died, has grief and often guilt or anger to contend with. All of this emotion comes into the new marriage right along with the couple.

To have a great remarriage, you need to be aware of the baggage as you go into your new marriage, and you need to accept it. Awareness and acceptance combined have amazing powers to heal. Start with awareness and acceptance, and you can resolve old emotional issues to pave the way for a great remarriage.

2, Second marriages often include children from previous marriages or relationships. These children can cause problems in remarriage, but they don’t have to. Although parenting someone else’s child can be one of life’s biggest challenges, it can be done. And it can also be fun.

The trick is to know ahead of time, before the second marriage, how you’re going to handle the logistics of joint parenting with an ex. Include the children in this discussion. Be clear on what everyone’s expectations are—know what the stepparent wants and can do, what the parent wants and can do, and what the children want and can do. When you lay out a family plan, you can create a wonderful blended family.

3. Ex spouses can be an obstacle to successful remarriage. If a previous divorce wasn’t amiable, an ex-spouses resentment can create all kinds of problems for a second or third marriage. Ex spouses can file lawsuits accusing all kinds of manufactured crimes, they can demand money, and they can poison children with their hatred and anger.

To keep an ex from ruining your second marriage, first, be sure you have the resources to have a good lawyer at your disposal. Second, make sure your new spouse knows what to expect from the ex. Third, do everything possible to diffuse your ex’s anger. Don’t engage in rehashing of your ended marriage. Avoid engaging in shouting matches with an ex. Allow your ex to feel what he or she feels and simply focus on dealing with whatever issue is at hand; leave old issues where they belong—in the past. When you do all of this, you can leave your ex-spouse out of the picture and focus on a great remarriage.

4. To have a wonderful remarriage, you need to keep your focus on THIS marriage, not on past ones. When you’ve been married before, you have a benchmark of marriage in mind. If the last marriage was awful, that benchmark won’t cause much problem.

If your previous marriage was good in any way, however, you might find yourself comparing your new spouse to your old spouse. Don’t do this. Telling your new spouse, for example, that he isn’t as good in bed as an ex is a surefire way of killing a second marriage. Telling a spouse that he doesn’t drive as well, cook as well, think as well, or do anything as well as a previous spouse dooms remarriage to failure.

Don’t EVER compare your current spouse to a previous one. In ANY way. In fact, you’ll do best if you don’t discuss a previous spouse at all unless you mention him or her in passing when sharing a memory of being someplace or doing something. To create a magical remarriage, think only about the remarriage.

Keep these tips in mind, and you can have a happy and successful, perhaps even magical, remarriage.

About the Author: Andrea Rains Waggener is a co-author of A Big Beautiful Woman’s Guide To Great Sex. Her site, http://www.loverelationshipresources.com, offers over forty love relationship advice.

Mother's Law

2007-05-18T20:41:00.000-07:00

As I read Proverbs 6:20, which refers to "the law of your mother," I recall some of my mother's unique "laws" that have helped me many times. The first I call "the law of the warm kitchen." When we got home from school on a cold winter's day or when the holidays rolled around, the kitchen was always warm from baking and cooking that the windows were steamed. It was also warm with a mother's love. A second law I call "the law of a mother's perspective." When I would come to her all upset over some childish matter, she would often say, "Pay no attention." Or, "Ten years from now you'll have forgotten all about it." That helped me put things into perspective. But above all was my mother's "law of faith." She had an unswerving trust in God that kept her strong and gentle amid the fears, pressures, and sacrifices.

I'm so grateful for her "laws" because they have helped me through my difficult days. Christian mother, you too are writing "laws" for your children. Are they worth remembering?

Rights and Responsibilities of a Stepparent

2007-05-17T20:42:00.000-07:00

Q: As a stepparent, do I have the same rights and responsibilities as the "biological" parent, who I am married to? Can the other (never married) biological parent legally tell me to never discipline their child? In a custody dispute between the biological parents, do I have any rights?

A: Consult a lawyer for the pertinent family law in your state. However, in general, stepparents do not hold custody rights unless custody is taken away from a biological parent and given by law to caretakers other than biological parents. It is usually the case that a parent's natural rights continue whether or not the parents have been married. Therefore, unless it is the case that the biological father is actually deemed incompetent to parent, (or voluntarily relinquishes his rights so that you may legally adopt) you will fare better to approach this situation with greater cooperation and less "going for the jugular."

Beware of the danger caused by blurring boundaries between two separate households. Taking on a fight with the biological father is not beneficial for at least two critical reasons: 1) there is little likelihood you could ever "win" on legal grounds and 2) more importantly, you contribute to strain, and a conflict of loyalty for your stepchildren. You must make appropriate room for their biological parent that does not invade the boundaries of your home. Reflect on your own tendencies towards creating conflict instead of long-term solutions which truly have their best interest at heart! It is your wife's job, not yours to handle this situation appropriately.

Consider that a part of the solution to your difficulty may lie in creating better boundaries between family situations. Do not discuss parenting with the ex. And any discussion that needs to occur about parenting between your wife and her ex can take place with the help of a family court counselor, or other family therapy mediator. The usual response to parenting differences by the court tends towards support of separate rules in separate houses. Except, of course, in cases of child abuse.

But rest assured that you do not have to account to your wife's ex" for your behavior in your own home! (Unless, of course, you were committing child abuse rather than exercising a different parenting style.) What goes on in your home need not be controlled by the biological parent living elsewhere. By creating stronger boundaries, you will likely circumvent conflict. The biological father will not be able to invade your privacy, once you stop responding to his "knock at your door."

Suggest to your wife that she begin by setting boundaries with her ex about what is discussible" between them. It is between you and your wife to decide what the rules are in your home, including discipline. She should make it clear that her ex is not invited into this discussion. Remain neutral and avoid hostility. But do not engage in discussion that is over the boundary to begin with! It is okay for her to hear his concerns, if she wishes, but it is not incumbent on her to feel compelled to continue to respond to them, once differences are clearly acknowledged.

Maintaining clear boundaries includes staying out of the middle of your wife's and her ex's negotiations. This is not really your battle! Your place of power is by her side in the marriage. This is where the two of you make decisions together about "house rules. It is then her job to set boundaries with her ex that respect the privacy and authority of your separate household. Do not make the mistake of taking on her battles. If she needs help, she should get outside professional consultation to help her establish these boundaries with her ex.

Your wife should simply represent clearly that there may be alot of things that the two of them do not see eye to eye on. And parenting styles is one of them. She may start by saying something like, "I appreciate your concerns. I do not always agree with your parenting style, either. However, I believe it is best to respect these differences. I decide what goes on when the children are with me. And when you are in charge, you decide what rules they abide by. I do not want to discuss this with you any further." In this way, your wife refrains from including you in the discussion and sets clear limits about separate household rules. For further discussion about dealing with ex's and stepfamily development refer to John and Emily Visher's book, "How to Win as a Stepfamily" and my article on "Making Healthy Stepfamilies".

It is your wife who holds the parental authority, as the biological parent. Your power is derived from the relationship with her. You negotiate regarding the agreements in your marriage and household (including parenting). But it is she who must clearly establish what is negotiated between biological parents. The lines of legal responsibility/power do in fact lie with your wife, and not you! Though this may not feel fair to you, it is the case that your place of power and "rights" rests only on your ability to successfully negotiate with your wife. But the good news, is that this does not seem to be a problem for the two of you!

Congratulations on a healthy marital relationship as well as a wonderful connection with your stepchildren. Well placed trust in a good relationship provides greater insurance for negotiating your needs for happiness than any court of law could ever hope to emulate!

by Gayle Peterson,PhD ( see more from this expert)

Wordless Wednesday

2007-05-16T09:07:00.000-07:00

A Day for Mothers

2007-05-13T08:21:00.000-07:00

To all Mothers in the world...

Chores in a Blended Family

2007-05-08T19:35:00.000-07:00

Managing Shared Household Responsibilities

When you have a large family, work must be shared when running the home. No single person can or should be responsible for all of the household chores. This includes stay at home parents, you are the only people who have a job 24/7, and you need and deserve help. Chores should be divided equally among the members of the household according to ability. In addition to being helpful working as a team to keep the house in order helps promote unity and personal pride.

As much as your children may object to contributing to the upkeep and general maintenance of the home, doing so builds a sense of community. Working together to the same end promotes a sense of responsibility to one another. It also helps build a feeling of “home” for any family members that are joining an already established household.

No matter how carefully you try to divide chores you will undoubtedly find that your planning will be thought “unfair” by some of your family members. There are ways to help curb this feeling by rotating chores according to ability. Keeping chore charts or chore cards can help keep things organized.

A chart is a simple way of keeping track of who is supposed to be doing what. Simply list the chores that are to be done and the person who is supposed to attend to those chores. As work is completed it is checked off. Chore cards are a little more detailed in nature and can help ensure tasks are done to your satisfaction. Using 3x5 cards list the chore and any special instructions. For example, a card stating “Dishes” may include wiping down the counter and sweeping the floor after a meal. For children who are not yet reading you can paste pictures of the chores onto a card. An example of this could be a picture of a wastebasket that represents trash duties.

Keep in mind that some children have not yet participated in household chores. They will need careful and patient training on tasks you expect them to work on. Don’t be concerned about a job being done to perfection. Learning to do housework well, like anything else, takes practice. Rotate age appropriate tasks regularly and don’t forget to include outdoor chores such as weeding, washing cars, mowing lawns and pool care.

Whether or not to pay allowance to your children is an individual family decision. Some families choose to offer monetary compensation in exchange for children doing chores. Other families believe that contributing to the household duties is part of being a family and no such compensation is offered. Whichever model your family follows, you are not alone, but in good company!

by Cynthia Peterson

How can a Stepfamily be a Happy One

2007-04-18T23:12:00.000-07:00

All families struggle at times to be happy, but blended families often have bigger obstacles to face than others. For instance, the quality of the relationship between the stepparent and the stepchildren has a big impact on the level of happiness in a blended family. Loyalty issues with the biological children and knowing how to discipline also add major complications.

To meet these challenges well, a husband and wife must make their relationship to each other the top priority ( Genesis 2:24 ). All efforts toward a happy home are useless if you don't consider your spouse's feelings and make decisions together. A spouse whose feelings are ignored will begin to feel neglected, insecure, and unloved, which creates unhappiness. It's important for spouses to discuss everything and make decisions only after they have come to an agreement.

It takes a lot of time to build loving relationships in a blended family. Emotional bonds don't happen overnight, and it's unrealistic to think that a stepparent and a stepchild will automatically hit it off. Sometimes that happens, but more often than not, it takes years to develop a more normal parent-child attachment. Be patient when it comes to developing close relationships with your stepchildren ( Proverbs 19:11; Colossians 3:12 ). Also be realistic enough to recognize that sometimes the kind of affection you long for never develops. Nevertheless, stepparents need to respect and accept their spouse's children, not seek to force an immediate close relationship. That respect and acceptance often turns out to be the foundation of the relationship you desire.

As your husband or wife gets to know your children, they will begin to see things in them that you may have overlooked. Be open to your spouse's judgment about your children. You may feel threatened to hear something negative about them, but listening to your spouse shows respect. Valuing these insights indicates that you respect your spouse's important role in the family. Honoring his or her opinion may even help solve some of the discipline or relationship problems you may have with your children. It's natural to feel protective; but those protective feelings could lead you to reject valuable observations, which can in turn lead to heated disagreements over the children ( 2 Timothy 2:22-26 ). When that protective instinct is turned on, admit it to your spouse and talk about it. If you are open about your feelings, you can develop deeper trust and intimacy with your spouse ( 1 Corinthians 13:6; Ephesians 4:15; James 5:16 ). Remember that it's not you against your spouse; it's you and your spouse, together, trying to find the best way to raise the children that God has given you (Proverbs 1:8).

Both the natural parent and stepparent are responsible for the guidance of the children ( Proverbs 13:24; 23:13; Ephesians 6:1,4 ). If you love your children (or stepchildren) you will lead and train them. Neglecting to help prepare them for life is a failure to love. Biological parents, in their own way, need to make it known to their kids that the stepparent has equal authority so that there is a strong united front. It's vitally important for the kids to know that there is agreement between you, and that each of you has the same authority over them.

Blended families have just as much hope for happiness through good relationships as traditional families. They need to recognize that their unique situation has unique challenges, and that those challenges are best met when they have built a strong, God-honoring marriage.

by Allison Stevens

New family, New mission

2007-04-16T00:34:00.000-07:00

Pain travels.

Over the treacherous waters of the Caribbean Sea, across the majestic mountains and waves of grain of the United States, sorrow arrives at a small Longview house. That's where Amber Collins sits at the computer, feeling the agony of the street children and young slave boys and girls of Haiti, known in that country as "restaveks." The word is Creole for "stay with."

Most of the time, these rural Haitian youngsters are sent by their families to stay with relatives --- godparents or aunts and uncles --- who live in the large cities. The children's parents hope they will find education and employment there, but instead the children end up working hard for no money or food and are often physically and sexually abused.

The echoes of their anguish stick with Amber, especially when she looks into the eyes of the children born to her and her husband, former Haiti resident Abdias Calixte.

Filled with love and laughter, the Longview children's eyes are so different from those of Haiti's street kids.

Amber and Abdias met on the Internet before the terrorist attacks of 2001. They married in 2002 and combined their families, which include four children from previous relationships and two born to the couple.

They moved to Longview from the Vancouver area, which is where Amber is from, in an effort to find an affordable place to live. Amber is a stay-at-home mom, and Abdias works out of the Millwright Union Local 1707 in Longview and takes welding classes at Lower Columbia College. The couple met when Amber came upon postings Abdias had made on Christian online site, messages giving thanks to God for Abdias's good fortune in his violence-filled homeland.
"I was simply letting people know what I have to say about God," Abdias said. "I am being grateful for who I am, I am grateful for everything that is in my possession."

Abdias was born in Port au Prince, where he worked as a bodyguard.

"There has been so much violence and insecurity for the past 10 years, there needed to be a tremendous increase of armed bodyguards to secure all those businessmen," Abdias said.

Amber contacted Abdias, and soon felt he was a soulmate.

"After a few weeks, I was captivated by his awesome attitude," Amber said. "I didn't want anything to do with Haiti though. I didn't even know where it was."

She discovered that the country is not far from the United States, between the Caribbean Sea and the North Atlantic Ocean. Haiti is one-third of the island of Hispaniola, sharing space with the Dominican Republic.

For a girl who had grown up in Battle Ground, Wash., the island seemed exotic and unknown. Yet Abdias' spirit and words touched her. Abdias had already realized that Amber was the woman for him. One day, he announced it.

"He really didn't ask," Amber said. "He just kind of said, 'You're my wife' and waited for me to realize it."

Growing up in Cite Soleil, which translates to Sun City in English, Abdias saw its problems first hand. His mother died when he was young, and he dropped out of school to help support his family.

Despite the poverty, his life was better than that of the street kids and restaveks, since he had family who loved him, Amber said.

She met some of Abdias's relatives when she traveled to Haiti. They married in a hotel room with his family, his father and three sisters, Amber said. "The ceremony was in French, and Abdias translated."

Even though they were wed, Abdias' and his children's passage to America was anything but easy. "It was right after 911, so everything was just a mess with immigration," Amber said. "It took 16 months to get him here."

In the meantime, Amber studied Abdias' homeland and ran across Michael Brewer's Haiti Street Kids, Inc. Web site.

Brewer set it up after he retired from the military and used his savings to start a home for rescued restaveks and homeless kids. On the site, he posts startling, saddening and, often, horrific photos of the children's lives.

"It was captivating at the time, but you know how you forget about things," Amber said.

She was soon caught up in parenting the new blended family, which includes 12-year-old Taylor, 10-year-old Ecclesiaste, 8-year-old Sofia, 6-year-old Marvel, 2-year-old Elvalina and 18-month-old Judah. Amber's children are from a previous marriage, and Abdias' sons were born to a girlfriend in Haiti.

Amber Collins, seated, right, is trying to raise money for street children in Haiti, which is where her husband, Abdias Calixte, left, is from. She and Abdias are shown here with some of their children, clockwise from rear, Ecclesiaste Calixte, Sofia Sanchez, Judah Calixte, Marvel Calixte and Elvalina Calixte.

Amber's son, 9-year-old Tomas, lives with his father, and Abdias' 4-year-old son Salem stayed in Haiti. Amber said her husband's sisters are looking after the youngster while she and Abdias work with immigration to get him to the United States.

Recently, Amber again came upon Brewer's Web site when she participated in a Web forum called www.haitixchange.com

"Someone had posted it, and I was like, 'Oh, I remember that,'" she said. She contacted Brewer and asked what the charity needed.

"He said, 'Funds.' "

Amber offered to run the charity's myspace site, then began brainstorming ways to raise money. The site includes links to the Haitian Street Kids Web pages as well as those for other Haitian groups.

While Abdias supports his wife's efforts, he spends most of his time taking welding classes at Lower Columbia College and working out of the Millwright Union Local 1707 in Longview.

His day starts again at 4:30 a.m. and his shifts are long. When he gets home, it's usually a meal, a little relaxation, and sleep, Amber said.

She has more time to think about the unfortunate children in Abdias's homeland, more time to follow the troubles there on Michael Brewer's Web site.

"I can't imagine someone saying they're going to give my child a better life, one that I can't provide, and then beat them," she said. "And have this child run away and live on the street and I don't know where they are. I can't fathom it."

With just enough income to make ends meet for their own families, the couple cannot afford to contribute to the charity. So Amber decided to hold a "pound-a-thon," with friends offering money per pound or a flat fee.

She's lost more than 11 pounds so far, and she's selling Avon products to raise money for the charity. "You help as much as you can, and then you need to get creative."

By Brenda Blevins McCorkle, The Daily News

Apr 15, 2007 - 12:03:41 am PDT

10 Things to Know Before You Remarry

2007-04-13T20:40:00.000-07:00

I’ll never forget it. Elizabeth Einstein, a well-respected stepfamily author and trainer, stunned a group of ministers when she told us to make remarriage difficult for couples in our churches (1). She wasn’t implying that remarriage is wrong, but was simply suggesting that remarriage—particularly when children are involved—is very challenging and that couples should count the cost and be highly educated about the process before getting married.

Eyes Wide Open

The following list represents key "costs" and "challenges" every single-parent (or those dating a single-parent) should know before deciding to remarry. Open wide both your eyes now and you—and your children—will be grateful later.

1. Wait 2-3 years following divorce or the death of your spouse before seriously dating.

No, I’m not kidding. Most people need a few years to fully heal from a ending of a previous relationship. Moving into new relationships short-circuits the healing process, so do yourself a favor and grieve the pain, don’t run from it. In addition, your children will need at least this much time to heal and find stability in their visitation schedule. Slow down.

2. Date two years before deciding to marry; then date their children before the wedding.

Dating two years gives you time to really get to know one another. Too many relationships are formed on the rebound when both persons lack godly discernment about their fit with a new person. Give yourself plenty of time to get to know them thoroughly. Keep in mind—and this is very important—that dating is inconsistent with remarried life. Even if everything feels right, dramatic psychological and emotional shifts often take place for children, parents, and stepparents right after the wedding. What seems like smooth sailing can become a rocky storm in a hurry. Don’t be fooled into thinking you won’t experience difficulties. As one parent said, "Falling in love is not enough when it comes to remarriage; there’s just more required than that."

When you do become serious about marriage, date with the intention of deepening the steppparent-stepchild relationships. Young children can attach themselves to a future stepparent rather quickly so make sure you’re serious before spending lots of time together. Older children will need more time (research suggests that the best time to remarry is before a child’s 10th birthday or after his/her 16th; couples who marry between those years collide with the teens developmental needs).

3. Know how to cook a stepfamily.

Most people think the way to cook a stepfamily is with a blender ("blended family"), microwave, pressure cooker, or food processor. Nothing could be further from the truth. All of these "cooking styles" attempt to combine the family ingredients in a rapid fashion. Unfortunately, resentment and frustration are the only results.

The way to cook a stepfamily is with a crock-pot. Once thrown into the pot, it will take time and low-heat to bring ingredients together, requiring that adults step into a new marriage with determination and patience. The average stepfamily takes five to seven years to combine; some take longer. There are no quick recipes, only dedicated journeyman.

4. Realize that the "honeymoon" comes at the end of the journey for remarried couples, not the beginning.

Ingredients thrown into a crock-pot that have not had sufficient time to cook don’t taste good—and might make you sick. Couples need to understand that the rewards of stepfamily life (e.g., security, family identity, and gratitude for one another) come at the end of the journey. Just as the Israelites traveled a long time before entering the Promise Land, so will it be for your stepfamily.

5. Think about the kids: "Yours and Mine"

Children experience numerous losses before entering a stepfamily. In fact, your remarriage is another. It sabotages their fantasy that mom and dad can reconcile, or that a deceased parent will always hold their place in the home. Seriously consider your children’s losses before deciding to remarry. If waiting until your children leave home before you remarry is not an option, work to be sensitive to your child’s loss issues. Don’t rush them, and don’t take their grief away.

6. Manage and be sensitive to old loyalties.

Even in the best of circumstances children feel torn between their biological parents and likely feel that enjoying your dating partner will please you but betray their other parent. Don’t force children to make choices (an "emotional tug-of-war"), and examine the binds they feel. Give them your permission to love and respect new people in the other home and let them warm up to your new spouse in their own time.

7. Don’t expect your partner (new spouse) to feel the same about your children as you do.

It’s a good fantasy, but stepparents won’t experience or care for your children to the same degree as you do. This is not to say that stepparents and stepchildren can’t have close bonds, they can. But it won’t be the same. When looking at your daughter, you will see a sixteen-year-old who brought you mud pies when they were four and showered you with hugs each night after work. Your spouse will see a self-centered brat who won’t abide by the house rules. Expect to have different opinions and to disagree on parenting decisions.

8. Realize that remarriage has unique barriers.

Are you more committed to your children or your marriage? If you aren’t willing to risk losing your child to the other home, for example, don’t make the commitment of marriage. Making a covenant does not mean neglecting your kids, but it does mean that they are taught which relationship is your ultimate priority. A marriage that is not the priority will be mediocre at best.

Another unique barrier involves the ghost of marriage past. Individuals can be haunted by the negative experiences of previous relationships and not even recognize how it is impacting the new marriage. Work to not interpret the present in light of the past, or you might be destined to repeat it.

9. Parent as a team; get your plan ready.

No single challenge is more predictive of stepfamily success than the ability of the couple to parent as a team. Stepparents must find their role, know their limits in authority, and borrow power from the biological parent in order to contribute to parental leadership. Biological parents must keep alive their role as primary disciplinarian and nurturer while supporting the stepparent’s developing role (read The Smart Stepfamily: Seven Steps to a Healthy Family for a complete discussion of parental roles). Managing these roles will not be easy; get a plan and stick together.

10. Know what to tell the kids. Tell them:

It’s okay to be confused about the new people in your life.
It’s okay to be sad about our divorce (or parent’s death).
You need to find someone safe to talk to about all this.
You don’t have to love my new spouse, but you do need to treat them with the same respect you would give a coach or teacher at school.
You don’t have to take sides. When you feel caught in the middle between our home and your other home, please tell me and we’ll stop.
You belong to two homes with different rules, routines, and relationships. Find your place and contribute good things in each.
The stress of our new home will reduce—eventually.
I love you and will always have enough room in my heart for you. I know it’s hard sharing me with someone else. I love you.

Work Smarter, Not Harder

For stepfamilies, accidentally finding their way through the wilderness to the Promised Land is a rarity. Successful navigation requires a map. You’ve got to work smarter, not harder. Don’t begin a new family until you educate yourself on the options and challenges that lie ahead.

By Ron L. Deal - President of Successful Stepfamilies

Kids in Crisis

2007-04-11T19:48:00.000-07:00

Weighing the protection of children against the rights of the parents.

When does discipline cross the line to become abuse? It’s a tough challenge for the child welfare system to weigh the protection of children against the rights of parents. In the United States there are only 25,000 caseworkers charged with investigating nearly 2 million child abuse claims each year. With extraordinary access from the Indiana Supreme Court, MSNBC-TV took an unprecedented look inside the complex world of child abuse investigators. This is the story of one family torn apart when one of their children makes a claim that ultimately causes trauma for them all. You can decide who is telling the truth and ultimately whether the state’s actions were in the children’s best interest.

It was a quiet spring night in Indianapolis in a blue-collar neighborhood on the city’s south side. A phone call earlier in the day had set off a chain of events. The call brought a child welfare investigator to the home of Cary and Michelle Pitcock. Michelle’s 13-year-old daughter Amber accused her stepfather of abuse; he claims it’s Amber that is causing the family turmoil. The drama that played out over the next year shows what a fine line there can be between protecting parents’ rights versus the welfare of children.

Michelle Pitcock and her daughter Amber

Michelle and Cary Pitcock are married with 3 children, Amber, Michelle’s daughter from a previous marriage, and two sons, Karl and Brent. The Pitcocks have been a blended family of 5 for 10 years, but the last year has been especially tough.

Cary Pitcock, Amber’s step dad says he and his wife Michelle are at a loss about how to handle their teenage daughter. They said she’s running wild and out of control. And that night was a perfect example.

Jackie Bean, the child welfare investigator assigned to this case, follows up on a report from 13-year-old Amber who says her step dad hit her. Amber was put in protective custody at a local hospital that night with cuts and bruises she received just hours earlier. At 9 p.m. on a school night Jackie showed up, with a police escort, at the Pitcock’s Southside Indianapolis home to check out the story.

It had only been a matter of hours since this crisis escalated, set in motion with a phone call to police from Cary and Michelle asking for help with the daughter they claim was out of control. Cary assumed Jackie and her police escort were there to haul him off to jail because of Amber’s claims he beat her earlier in the day. Instead of Cary being removed from the home - he learns the truth: they’re here to take away his other two kids. Investigator Bean fears Pitcock’s younger children are in danger.

This is the most gut-wrenching part of a child welfare investigator’s job…

Cary and Michelle Pitcock are in a state of shock. They’ve just been told their two kids will be taken away and the news hasn’t sunk in yet.

As Karl and Brent are taken away from the only home they’ve known they and their parents have no idea of the turmoil ahead.

The two boys face a long night and investigator Jackie bean has hours of phone calls and paper work.

At the heart of her case is 13-year-old Amber who also has no clue about the months and years of chaos this one night has brought on.

So, just who is telling the truth on this night? Is it Amber, who has accused her step dad of abuse? Or is it Cary, her stepfather? At this point, Jackie doesn’t know for sure. Just how far can the government go to learn the truth?

Balancing the rights of parents with the welfare of their children: it’s not only complicated it can be explosive. Taking a child from his parents is one of the most intrusive acts our government can make.

God's Plan for Blended Families

2007-04-10T22:40:00.000-07:00

If you are in a blended family, you know that living in that environment can be a bumpy road in life! The process of blending two families into one is often extremely challenging. When two people marry, they always hope to live happily ever after. For first time marriages the success rate is near 50%. However, when people with children marry a 2nd or 3rd time, or when a person marries a spouse with children, the statistics change significantly. The high divorce rate in the world in the last several years has led to a high number of blended families, and the number grows each day.

Why is the divorce rate higher in blended families? A marriage that creates a stepfamily has more dynamics to deal with than a first-time marriage. These dynamics include such things as children from one or both spouses, possible rejection of the step-parent by the children, interference from former spouses, two sets of rules, two types of discipline, many personalities, possible custody or child-support court dates, juggling of children between the natural parents for visitation, and overcoming the "stepmother" syndrome.

It was through our prayer time with God that we started to understand the dynamics in our family and the changes that needed to take place to make our family blend. The first thing we needed to understand was that God was on our side. He had completely forgiven us in our past failed relationships, and He wanted to restore our lives and give us a loving family environment.

Through our prayer time, we began to realize that our family was divided. There were areas we were fighting each other rather than working together. Matthew 12:25 describes the shortcomings in families today.
"Jesus knew their thoughts and said to them, 'every kingdom divided against itself will be ruined, and every city or household divided against itself will not stand."

All families can blend, but it takes commitment, love, grace, sacrifice and time...

Your family will blend when you realize that God is a good God, and is on your side.

How to Build a Healthy Relationship With Your Stepchild

2007-04-02T23:19:00.000-07:00

Parenting holds a great many challenges. Little is more challenging than the role of Christian stepparent. In short, the stepparent joins the biological parent in raising his or her child, but does so initially without a clear bond with the child. Parental authority is based on the depth of relationship between adult and child. The stepparent-stepchild relationship is weak due to little emotional connection and only a brief shared history (developed while the adults were courting), making the stepparent's role very difficult and frustrating.

Consider the email I received from a biological father looking for help: "Jean is the stepmother to my seven year old son. In the past ten weeks, a very intense relationship has developed between them. Once inseparable, Jean now wants nothing to do with him and has told him as much. This has strained our marriage, and she has talked about leaving. Our marriage is as perfect as one can get when my son is visiting his mother, but when he returns it is very uncomfortable for everyone. My wife does not understand why God is doing this to her, and she is questioning her faith."

Stepparenting is Tough!
I can just imagine this stepmother explaining her situation. She likely feels confused about her role, displaced from her husband when her stepson is around, andhelpless to change the situation. Despite all this, my experience tells me that she is also feeling guilty, because she knows that God is expecting her to love this boy. It's a tough situation to be in. Finding an effective stepparent role is indeed a challenge. Yet, with healthy expectations and a specific strategy to build relationship, a satisfying bond can be nurtured.

Realistic Expectations
Stepparents and biological parents alike frequently expect too much from the stepparent, especially early in the stepfamily's development. Research confirms, for example, that stepparents and biological parents generally assume that the stepparent should be affectionate with stepchildren and attempting to assert authority (to establish their position as "parent"). However, stepchildren report-even five years after the wedding-that they wish the stepparent would seek less physical affection and back away from asserting punishment. The challenge, then, for biological and stepparents alike is to lower their expectations and negotiate a relationship that is "mutually suitable" to both stepchild and stepparent. Let's examine some key principles that may help.

1. Give yourself time to develop a workable relationship. Realize that love and caring takes time to develop, especially with pre-adolescent and adolescent children. Some research suggests that children under the age of five will bond with a stepparent within one to two years. However, older children-teenagers in particular-may take as many years as they are old when the remarriage takes place. In other words, a ten-year-old may need ten years before they feel truly connected with you. Try to imagine your stepfamily in a crock-pot; it's slow cooking, so don't rush it. Besides, crock-pots do gradually bring all the ingredients together so trust that the low heat will eventually do its work. Here are some "low-heat" crock-pot cooking recommendations:

Do not expect that you or your stepchildren will magically cherish all your time together. Stepchildren often feel confused about new family relationships, feeling both welcoming and resentful of the changes new people bring to their life. Give children space and time to work through their emotions.
Give yourself permission to not be completely accepted by them. Their acceptance of you is often more about wanting to remain in contact with their biological parents than it is an acceptance or rejection of you. This realization will help you to de-personalize their apparent rejections.
Give your stepchildren time away from you, preferably with their biological parent. The exclusive time stepchildren had with their biological parent before he or she married you come to a screeching halt after remarriage. Honoring your stepchildren by giving back this exclusive time will help them to respect you sooner.

2. Children's loyalty to their biological parents may interfere with their acceptance of you. Children are often emotionally torn when they enjoy a stepparent. The fear that liking you somehow hurts their non-custodial, biological, parent is common. The ensuing guilt they experience may lead to disobedient behavior and a closed heart. In order to help stepchildren deal with this struggle:

Allow children to keep their loyalties and encourage contact with biological parents.
Never criticize their biological parent, as it will sabotage the children's opinion of you.
Don't try to replace an uninvolved or deceased biological parent. Consider yourself an added parent figure in the child's life-be yourself.

3. The cardinal rule for stepparent-stepchild relationships is this: Let the children set their pace for their relationship with you. If your stepchildren are open to you and seem to want physical affection from you, don't leave them disappointed. If, however, they remain aloof and cautious, don't force yourself on them. Respect their boundaries, for it often represents their confusion over the new relationship and their loss from the past. As time in the stepfamily crock-pot brings you together, slowly increase your personal involvement and affections. Together you can forge a workable relationship that grows over time.

Recently a gentleman told me that it took 30 years before he could tell his stepfather he loved him. Undoubtedly, his stepfather struggled through those years for his stepson's acceptance. But despite his godly attitude and leadership, his stepson simply couldn't allow himself to return that love. Eventually, however, love won out and was able to express appreciation to his stepfather for being involved in his life. Trust that doing the right things in the name of Christ will eventually bring you and your stepchildren together. In the meantime, set realistic expectations that don't leave you feeling like a failure (until that day arrives).

Relax and Build Relationship
Relax. It's an interesting word to hear when you feel like you're not making any progress as a stepparent, yet that's exactly the word I continue to use in therapy with stepfamilies. The crock-pot will eventually bring you closer together with your stepchildren, but you can't force their affections. So relax, accept the current level of relationship, and trust the crock-pot to increase your connection over time. In the mean time, use the following suggestions to help you to be intentional about slowly building your relationship.

Early on, monitor(1) your stepchildren's activities. Know what they are doing at school, church, and in extracurricular activities, and make it your aim to be a part. Take them to soccer practice, ask about the math test they studied for, and help them to learn their lines in the school play. Monitoring seeks to balance interest in the child without coming on too strong.

A second suggestion also seeks to build relationship, but slowly. Throughout the first year of remarriage, stepparents should be involved with stepchildren when another family member can be present. This "group" family activity reduces the anxiety children feel with one-on-one time with a stepparent. Adults frequently assume that the way to get to know their stepchildren is to spend personal, exclusive time with them. This may be true with some stepchildren; however, most stepchildren prefer to not be thrown into that kind of situation until they have had time to grow comfortable with the stepparent. Honor that feeling until the child makes it obvious that he or she is okay with one-on-one time.

Another suggestion for building relationship is to share your talents, skills, and interests with the child and to become curious about theirs. If you know how to play the guitar and a stepchild is interested, take time to show him how. If the child is interested in a particular series of books or a video game, become interested and ask her to tell you about it. These shared interests become points of connection that strengthen trust between stepparent and stepchild. Sharing the Lord through dialogue, music, or church activity is another tremendous source of connection. For example, service projects are wonderful activities for parents and stepparents to experience together. Little brings people together like serving others in the name of the Lord. Discussing values through the eyes of Christ and having family devotional time can, also, strengthen your relationship, as well encourage spiritual formation in the child.

Find Your Role with Discipline
Perhaps the most confusing role for a stepparent is how to set limits, teach values, and enforce consequences. Indeed, the most common pitfall for stepfamilies is when the biological parent hands off too much responsibility for child rearing, and the stepparent begins to punish the child for misbehavior too quickly. Rather, a unified team approach that involves both biological and stepparent is best.

Early on, teamwork for the biological and stepparent begins with the acknowledgment of the stepparent's lack of authority due to a weak-although growing-relationship with the children. Until parental status(2) is attained (and that can take 18 months to many years) the stepparent should focus on building relationship (see section above) and being an extension of the biological parent's authority. Initially, this is done by through two tasks: 1) negotiating a set of household rules and a standard of conduct for all the children (whether biological or step) and 2) putting the stepparent in the role of "baby-sitter."

Negotiating a household set of rules and conduct involves both adults, but takes place (initially) outside of earshot of the children. As all effective parents, the couple must discuss rules, standards, consequences, and a system of discipline for the children. Then the biological parent can communicate this to the children. When either adult acts outside these negotiated rules (or fails to uphold them), children can divide and conquer the couple. Conflict and resentment are sure to result.

On the other hand, when a baby-sitter cares for children, it is understood that they have authority because the biological parent has put them in charge. Likewise, once rules are communicated, the biological parent must pass power to the stepparent by communicating to the children the expectation that they obey and respect the stepparent. If a rule is broken, it is the "household's" or the "parent's" rule, not the stepparent's. If a punishment is executed by the stepparent, it is the "biological parent's" punishment. Later, when the biological parent enters the picture, they should support the stepparent's decisions (hopefully they are in line with the pre-determined system of discipline), and then reinforce their expectation that the child obey the stepparent in the future. This baby-sitter role thus creates space for the stepparent and stepchildren to build relationship and, at the same time, empowers the stepparent to have influence in the home.

If children have struggles accepting the stepparent's position, compare their obedience to the stepparent with their obedience to a teacher, coach, or camp counselor. Sometimes, the fear of betraying a non-custodial, biological parent keeps children from being cooperative with a stepparent. However, their fears might be reduced if they view the stepparent "just like a teacher."

Eventually, the stepparent may move from a baby-sitter role to that of an uncle or aunt (where the children consider the stepparent "extended family," but don't offer them the full authority of parenthood). In addition, because stepparents will bond with younger children much sooner, they may be "extended family" to young children and "the baby-sitter" with older children. As you can tell, keeping open communication about the stepparent's changing role with children is an important task for couples.

The Value of Stepparents
Did you ever stop to notice that the God of the universe entrusted His son to be raised by his stepfather, Joseph? Yes, in that sense, Jesus was a stepchild. Despite little scripture about Joseph's character, we can rest assured that God picked him for a reason. He must have had a tremendous influence on Jesus during his early years. I suppose we could say that Joseph's impact on Jesus' growth in wisdom, stature, and favor with God and man (Luke 2:40, 52) is immeasurable.

The challenges of stepparenting are very real. The importance of your role in the life of your stepchild is invaluable. Commit yourself to the Lord, as did Joseph, and offer His love to your stepchildren (to whatever degree possible). You may never realize how important you are.

By Ron L. Deal, M.MFT.
Successful Stepfamilies

Modern-Day Brady Brunch: Marrying With Children

2007-04-01T22:42:00.000-07:00

“Mommy, Mommy, Mommy,” chanted my newly acquired daughter as she held my hand and skipped with joy beside me shortly after her father and I had said, “I Do.” I was tickled that this little eight-year-old girl who had been raised by her father for over four years was so gleeful to have me as her new Mommy. Little did I know that the first chance my natural born children had to speak with her alone that day, they let her know that I was THEIR Mommy, not hers or her brother’s. My kids explained that just because their Dad had married their Mom, did not give them permission to call their mother “Mommy”. They assured these younger children that they had no intention of calling their father “Dad”.

I didn’t hear about this encounter on my wedding day. The children told me eight years later. On our honeymoon weekend, I had no clue that the beginning of “Xtreme Sibling Rivalry” had begun at our dear friend’s house, where our children were staying. Because I was marrying a man who was crazy about the Lord and me, I just knew everything would be okay. My husband had even made up a song for our wedding that said that this marriage would stand the test of time because it was a marriage of three – him, God and me.

He’d been raising his two children and I’d been raising my two children. We were both single parents in love with the Lord and each other. We were in our late 30s and the children ranged in age from six to twelve. We had dated for four years and took a step of faith by getting married.

No book or article could describe all the challenges we faced putting all of us and our emotional baggage under one roof. I went from a mother of two to a mother of four inwardly hurting children in a matter of 20 blessed minutes.

We are still together and almost have an empty nest, but the marriage was not a marriage of three, it was a marriage of seven. Personally, I don’t know how any blended family could stand the test of time without the Lord.

The honeymoon ended and our 21st century Brady Bunch began. We had great intentions as parents and we made plenty of mistakes. The first mistake was that we merged our families into the house that my children and I had lived in since my youngest was born. Hindsight has been painfully clear in this area. My children saw him and his children as invaders. It was okay with them (sort of) that I married this man, but not okay that they had to share their Mommy, their house, their stuff, their world. From the beginning this made things difficult. If I could do it over, I’d rent out my house and my kids and I would move into a neutral location with him and his kids. This would negate the territorial battle that we endured.

A second area I wish I could do over is how I spent my time. Each child needed a regular dose of one-on-one time with my husband and me. With our work schedules, activities with church and various little leagues, most of our time was gone before we knew it. My husband or I occasionally chose to bring one child or another on an errand, but that really didn’t meet each child’s need to be special.

We managed to do a few things right that I would recommend to any blended marriage. The most important thing we did was raise them in a Bible believing environment at home and at church. The love and acceptance that we received from our church family helped each one of us at some of our most trying times.

Establishing the concept that we were one family sounds like it would be easy, but that was a struggle. When a husband and wife become one it’s because they desire to be one. Bring children into the picture and you don’t always have that on your side. From day one of our marriage, we told the children they were brothers and sisters. Then we backed it up by never introducing one of the children as a step-anything. They were not as quick to accept the labels, but as time wore on it became their truth as well. Now there isn’t a doubt in their minds about it – they all treat each other like brothers and sisters. This has been one of the most joyful signs that our pressing the issue that we weren’t separate families was well worth the effort.

Another thing we did right was to take time for a one-on-one date, just him and me, on a regular basis. Even if we didn’t have the money to go out, we got in the car and went somewhere that didn’t cost anything. I guarded that time and had to make all the childcare arrangements to go out, but that also helped maintain the oneness of our little Brady Bunch.

Many feared that my natural children would be deprived of some of my love and attention when I married a man with two children. The blended family that we created has been proof that a mother’s love is not divided when she agrees to a package deal marriage. Her love is multiplied. We are one family and I have four children to love along with one wonderful husband.

Author: Beth Patch
CBN.com

10 Keys to a Healthy Step Family

2007-03-30T00:06:00.000-07:00

Being a stepparent can be very challenging. Steve Arterburn, of New Life Ministries, offers these suggestions.

1. You must “connect” with the children at their point of emotional need. Remarriage is a challenge for everyone, but especially the children. For most children, their parent’s decision to remarry represents the loss of the dream that their biological parents will reunite. Even children whose parents had a terrible relationship have the fantasy that someday everyone will be happy. The grief associated with this loss is painful and can last a long time.

2. Encourage your children to talk about their feelings. You may not like everything you hear, but your children need a safe and nurturing environment to respectfully share their emotions. The best way to encourage your children to open up is to set the example. When you are transparent about your feelings you foster the security and trust they long for.

3. Have realistic expectations. Getting to know each other will take time. You will not experience instant intimacy, trust and respect. The expectation of quickly becoming “one big happy family” will set you up for disappointment every time. Hope deferred makes the heart sick… Prov. 13:12.

4. Establish new family traditions and rituals. Every family needs to develop its own culture. By establishing traditions and rituals for your new family you provide a greater sense of belonging for everyone involved. Including the children in the process will increase their level of support and cooperation.

5. Be sensitive to traditions that have already been established in your child’s life, even if they don’t include you. If your child has always visited their grandparents for a week during the summer or spent Christmas Eve with their non-custodial parent, don’t suddenly change those traditions. The resentment your child may feel could undermine all your efforts to create new, positive memories.

6. Don’t trash your child’s other biological parent. By showing respect and civility to the other biological parent you minimize conflict and actually strengthen your relationship with your children. As bad as some situations can get, control your feelings and comments. So then, let us pursue the things which make for peace and the building up of one another. Romans 14:19.

7. The marriage relationship must be a priority. Every successful blended family has one common characteristic - a strong bond between the husband and wife. Couples in blended families have incredible distractions in their lives compared to most first marriages. Ex-spouses, in-laws, financial obligations, new schools and new homes can rock the foundation of the marriage.

8. Parents must clearly define and consistently follow through with rules for discipline. Many stepparents tend to be too lenient with their new stepchildren in hopes of winning their acceptance and approval. This approach never works. All children need and expect to have boundaries in place, and consistent discipline is one of the most effective and powerful ways of communicating love and respect.

9. Both parents must be involved in establishing the rules for discipline. Parents must always present a unified front when enforcing the rules. Children are very smart and will try to figure out how to play their parents against one another. Parents who don’t allow their unity to be broken are much more likely to gain respect and obedience from their children.

10. Place God in the center of your home. The ultimate key to every family’s success, no matter what the circumstances are, is choosing to make God the centerpiece of your home. To be the kind of parent or spouse you want to be requires wisdom, patience and love. The best way for you to develop these character traits is to have a vibrant relationship with God. But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness and all these things shall be added to you. Matt. 6:33

By Steve Arterburn

Used by permission of New Life Ministries. New Life Ministries has a variety of resources on men, women and relationships. Call 1-800-NEW-LIFE or visit www.newlife.com.

New Faces at the Table

2007-03-22T23:00:00.000-07:00

No one tears a patch from a new garment and sews it on an old one. If he does, he will have torn the new garment, and the patch from the new will not match the old. ~ Luke 5:36

The wallpaper in the children’s guest bathroom gave me nightmares. It looked like a big coloring book with partially colored characters of children playing happily all over the walls. The uncolored characters seemed to beckon any child who entered the room to pick up their crayons and finish the job. In fact, my husband obliged these happy little faces on the wall by giving his daughters crayons while they sat on the potty. Wisely, I held my tongue after seeing this wallpaper, but a notation was made in my mind to change it as soon as possible.

After Harvey and I married, my children and I moved into the house he had shared with his ex-wife and daughters. Because my husband’s business is located on the adjoining property, moving to another house was not an option for us. I didn’t mind living in this house, but the very thought of embellishing it with my own personal style of décor was energizing. Being a new bride, I was anxious to remove all traces of its former occupant.

As it turned out, complications in the property settlement from my husband’s divorce prevented us from making any changes to the house. I was destined to live with those little faces on the bathroom walls for another two years. When the time finally did arrive, enabling us to make changes in the house, I was more than ready.

Approaching my husband with the idea of changing the wallpaper in the bathroom seemed simple enough, but I was unprepared for his response. He said, “The girls love that wallpaper, and besides, my ex-wife didn’t pick it out, I did!” I don’t know why it hadn’t occurred to me before—only a daddy would choose that awful paper and then give his kids crayons to color on the walls! He explained that he wanted to encourage his daughter’s creativity.

My argument was straightforward and had two points: First, the bathroom in question was a guest bathroom as well as the children’s bathroom; I was worried about giving my guests nightmares. Second, if this was to be my house, I wanted to decorate it my way.

This debate continued for several weeks, usually on laundry day. The laundry room was at the rear of the bathroom in question. Those little faces sneered at me from the walls every time I walked through the bathroom to change a load of clothes. To my relief, Harvey finally relented and the faces came down. The wallpapering was done while the girls were with their mother for summer visitation.

The new wallpaper was a simple design, matching the southwestern décor in the rest of the house. Harvey’s house was finally becoming my home.

Everything was going well—until the girls came home on their weekend visit. They didn’t seem to mind the main part of the house being decorated in my style, but when they went into their bathroom and there were no happy faces to greet them, attitudes changed. In their eyes, I had done more than just replace wallpaper; I had removed a vital connection to a past they were clinging to. The reality of their parents’ divorce was still an open wound.

It wasn’t really the little faces missing from the walls that posed a threat to the girl’s world; it was the new faces at the dinner table. Although Harvey and I had been married for more than two years, the wallpaper change was a rude reminder of the fact that Dad was married to someone else. Adding sting to this tender wound was the realization that my children and I were living in their house, making changes while they were away.

Whenever two previously established families come together, everyone sees new faces. In fact, there were several new faces at our table. From Harvey’s vantage point and mine, it was a marriage made in heaven. We actually thought our kids would be glad to see us happy.

Our children, however, were seeing these “new faces” at the dinner table not as guests but as replacements or intrusions. From Harvey’s daughters’ perspective, my three children and I were the new faces. From where my children sat, it was Harvey and his three daughters who were new.

Everyone at the table viewed the new faces differently from the old ones. The new faces didn’t share the same memories, habits, mannerisms or even looks as the old faces. For instance, when my daughter talked about gymnastics in the third grade, only her brothers and I could remember it. When Harvey’s daughter told of their dog, Peewee, and his funny antics, we couldn’t visualize it because we had never seen him. Peewee was a part of the girls’ lives long before my children and I entered their world.

My daughter and I love to make a silly “monkey face.” My mother, brother and several of my cousins in another state make the same face because we all have the same shaped mouth. Harvey’s girls have tried to make this face, but they can’t do it. Our physical bodies are completely different. Harvey’s daughters are fairly tall, blond and have fair complexions. My kids, on the other hand, are short and dark-haired with olive complexions, like me.

Habits and disciplines are different as well. My children were used to a set bedtime and had regular chores. Harvey’s daughters were permitted to stay up later if they were watching a video, and life was generally more laid back.

What does this mean? We would never blend because we didn’t share memories, looks or habits? Of course not! However, in order for the old and new faces, regardless of perspective, to come together and actually become a family, a certain amount of stretching and shrinking had to occur.

My point is illustrated in another of Jesus’ parables. Luke 5:36 reads:
“No one tears a patch from a new garment and sews it on an old one. If he does, he will have torn the new garment, and the patch from the new will not match the old.” (NIV)

I used to do a fair amount of sewing when my children were young. Because of my experience with cloth, I could easily relate to this parable. To patch an old pair of jeans with a new piece of denim, it is important to wash and dry the new fabric before sewing it into the old jeans. If I get lazy and skip this step, my work, no matter how skillful, pulled apart.

Expecting everyone in the newly formed household to instantly become a family is like sewing a patch of new denim into an old pair of jeans. Before an old pair of jeans can accept a patch of new cloth, this stiff, new fabric has to be “worn” a little and experience some shrinking and softening. In other words, a new piece of cloth must be properly “aged.”

When the whole family moves in together—or even when part of it is separated, as in the case of another parent having custody of the children—everyone in the blended family has to make adjustments emotionally as well as physically. Each child needs to be affirmed and encouraged as to where they fit into this new family. Likewise, a new stepparent needs to allow time for everyone to adjust to these new faces, gradually and gently assuming a position of authority.

SOURCE

Help For Blended Families

2007-03-22T20:54:00.000-07:00

My husband Charles and I stood in front of the minister holding hands with one another and with our five children. It was our wedding day--the second marriage for both of us. We included our daughters and sons in the service because they, perhaps even more than we, would be forever affected by the vows we were about to exchange. Later that morning when we walked out the door of the little village church, we went from being two individual families to one blended family.

As the formerly married marry again and bring their natural children into the new relationship, as we did eighteen years ago, everyone involved is suddenly thrust into a new experience--the 'blended family.' This occurs even if the children do not live in the same household with the parent who remarries. Since children generally spend weekends, holidays, or extended summer visits with their natural parent and new stepparent, everyone involved needs opportunities and activities that provide a sense of belonging.

And when a child's natural mother and father both remarry, he or she must then find a rightful place in two blended families--which include stepparents, stepsibilings, stepgrandparents, and others on both sides. Building and managing all these relationships can result in stress for everyone.

If children are born later of the new relationship, the blending takes on still another dimension. Meanwhile, the adults in the household also have one another to think of! This adds up to a tall order for anyone. But the blending can occur. Many parents and children attest to the success of their blended families when they really get involved in each other's lives. And that's what it takes--involvement. It's vital for parents and children to do things together--to pray, to play games, to participate in family projects or learn new skills, to be involved in gift-buying and giving, to have a voice in financial decisions, and to be listened to at family meetings.

Getting your blended family up and running may require a little help. Ours certainly did. We welcomed it, knowing we could benefit from the experience of those who had gone before us. Here are some of the ideas that worked for us. I hope they will be useful and encouraging to you.

TALKING TOGETHER

Communication breakdowns, hurt feelings, special needs, individual viewpoints, differing ages, temperaments, and backgrounds all play a part in the dynamics of living together. Loyalty conflicts spring up. Relationships are jealously guarded. Individuals pit themselves against others and often refuse to talk about what’s bothering them.

You can help yourself, your spouse, and most of all your children with an exercise called Heart Talks that will stimulate and encourage everyone in your family to express-- in a safe environment--what’s bothering them.

Cut out a paper heart from construction paper. Then on a poster board, list the following partial sentences about family life (or make up your own):

• I feel angry when...

• I’m unhappy when...

• I wish our family didn’t have to...

• I don’t like it when...

• I feel left out when...

Sit in a circle on the floor. Model a few sentences so the children will hear how to share their feelings responsibly. For example, it would be okay to say, "I feel angry when Jenny plays with my dolls without asking me first." It would not be okay to say, "I feel angry when dumb Jenny trashes my dolls when I’m not around to stop her."

Start with one person holding the heart. Invite that person to choose a phrase from the list and to finish it out loud. Then pass the heart to the next person and so on.

Afterward ask family members to repeat at least one message they heard during the exercise and to offer a solution, if one is called for, or to give a word of encouragement. For example, Jenny could apologize for playing with her sister’s dolls without permission and agree to ask for it from that point on.

CREATING NEW CUSTOMS TOGETHER...AND KEEPING THE OLD

As parents of a blended family you have an opportunity to initiate new customs, but also keep the old ones alive, so the children especially will not lose touch with their roots. For example, Margery and Bill allow their children to decorate the family Christmas tree in three stages. Margery's son and daughter add ornaments they've had since they were babies when their natural parents were still married. Their mother wants to acknowledge with them the validity of that time in their lives. If they want to share a memory they are welcome to do so.

"Too many parents who have been divorced don't want to give credence to anything from their former life," said Margery. "But this is a real loss for the children. It's almost like saying that only a part of them is valuable." Bill has taken a cue from Margery and now invites his children to do the same. Then together as a blended family, they all hang the ornaments and decorations that represent their new unit. "This way everyone is included," said Bill. "We now feel as strongly about keeping old customs as we do about creating new ones."

PLAYING TOGETHER

Games, songfests, sporting events, picnics are all good ways to relax and play together. In addition, look for opportunities to connect that are fun, but somewhat unusual. This will surprise and delight your kids and show them in a new way how much you value them.

For example, plan a family slumber party. Invite the kids into your room for a picnic supper or a pizza-on-the-floor party. Follow that up with a movie on video that everyone can enjoy, and then spread out the sleeping bags and snuggle in for the night.

Julie says her family looks forward to this event. "On one night every few months we break our usual custom of eating at the table and sleeping in our own beds. The kids get a real kick out of that."

In the morning, take everyone out for breakfast, or better yet, prepare breakfast as a family. Put each person in charge of one item. Even the younger ones can help by setting the table. You might be surprised at how much intimacy can result from such an experience.

LEARNING TOGETHER

Give yourselves the gift of learning and growing together--one parent and one child at a time, or as a group, depending on the size of your family and the ages of your children. For example, suppose you want to explore camping. Call your state park system and find out what campgrounds and trails are available. Maybe there's a group or national organization, such as the Sierra Club, with a chapter in your city. Join and get involved.

Maybe you'd like to plant a garden together, arrange flowers, learn more about the Internet, how to play tennis, or what’s involved in skiing or scuba diving. Look into YMCA-sponsored events, community seminars, and training programs in the area you wish to pursue. Local newspapers and the Yellow Pages are also good starting points.

Focus on learning the skill so you can practice and participate together, rather than simply gathering information. For example, one mother signed up for piano lessons along with her children. They supported each other through practice sessions and performed in the same recital! A stepdad who had always wanted to learn chess, took up the hobby with his thirteen-year-old stepson.

PRAYING TOGETHER

Every family can benefit from spiritual support. But what do you do when religious traditions, practices, and viewpoints differ somewhat among family members? For example, the new parents may be practicing Christians. But the parents in the other home may not be, or they may practice a faith you cannot condone. Yet you don't want to undermine those parents in the eyes of your/their children.

Start by setting a standard for your blended family. When you're together in your house you go to church, pray at meals, pray before bed, read Scripture as a family. The children will quickly recognize and respect this routine. It's what's done in this home. When they visit their other parents, release them to the Lord's care, trusting he will guard their minds and hearts. Pray for their safety and well-being while they're gone. Embrace them lovingly when they return.

Religion is one of the most challenging areas blended families face. You will need the guidance and wisdom of the Holy Spirit as you establish your own practices and at the same time show respect for those who may disagree with you. In the end it is your love and the consistent practice of your faith that will impact your children the most.

By putting these ideas and more into action you will create and nurture a strong base of love and mutual acceptance within your blended family. And most important you will be secure in the promise of Scripture: "For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you" (NIV).

The ABC's for Blended Families

2007-03-22T08:43:00.000-07:00

by Maxine Marsolini

Living with step relationships isn't as easy as it sounds. Statistics tell us that blended children are at greater risk of living in high conflict homes where sixty percent of them will once again fall apart. Most of us have made a New Year's resolution at least once or twice in our lives. We've been taught to believe we can change habits by walking into a new year with a new goal. In the past, I've resolved to exercise, eat more salads, and attend church. These activities are now a part of my life.

I'd like to challenge you to a 2005 resolution—to put The ABC's for Blended Families into practice. Don't expect to do them all in a week's time. Be diligent. The whole year lies ahead of you.

A Accept Your Family
Make each person feel he or she is a very important part of the new family. Avoid favoritism of one child over another.

B Build with Love
Mother Teresa said, "I have come more and more to realize that it is being unwanted that is the worst disease that any human being can ever experience. For all kinds of diseases there are medicines and cures. But for being unwanted, except there are willing hands to serve and there's a loving heart to love, I don't think this terrible disease can be cured."

C Calculate Financial Needs
Talk about money. Money habits can make or break a marriage. Be prompt with spousal/child support payments. Decide who will manage the checkbook or if two checkbooks will be kept. Talk about allowance money, a reasonable household budget, and a will that is caring and inclusive.

D Develop Personal Space
Children in stepfamilies, whether living with you day-to-day or only once in a while, need to be treated like family and not visitors. Personal space says, "I belong here." Provide at the very least a private dresser drawer or cupboard shelf.

E Encourage Family Fun
Keep fun on the calendar. Fun relieves stress and gets everyone smiling. Toss a Frisbee, go to the beach, hike a trail, or plan a picnic. Do things that have nothing to do with work.

F Forgive Past Hurts
A blended family builds on the prior family's broken dreams. Often people are emotionally entangled with the past. Until you choose to forgive, and let your bitterness go your new family does not have all of you.

G Grow Good Attitudes
Attitudes are self chosen. Grow in love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.

H Honor Each History
Look at the ethnic diversity within your family. Celebrate something from each person's heritage (i.e. food, song, fiesta).

I Initiate Family Meetings
Family meetings keep every one abreast of family matters. Events, financial needs, chores, or venting a frustration can be aired here. Make sure all family members are allowed to voice their concerns.

K Knit Lives Together
Shared experiences make us feel more a part of one another. Even if you don't like sports, do your best to create family time out of the ball games, the band concerts, and the awards assemblies that gratify another family member.

J Junk the Jealousy
Jealousy is self focused and demonstrates a lack of maturity. Find a better way to express your emotions.

L Laugh a Lot
Laughter is good medicine and keeps us from taking life too seriously. Read funny stories, tell clean jokes, or rent an amusing video. Never use laughter to poke fun at someone.

M Maintain Wholesome Values
The moral fiber of society is based on godly principles. Model telling the truth, keeping your word, and not using coarse language before you expect your children to put these things into practice.

N Normalize Appropriate Discipline
The birth parent should be the primary disciplinarian of his or her child at first. In time, and in unity with the stepparent, slowly bring consistency to disciplinary standards that will be upheld with all of the children.

O Oust Unhealthy Habits
Be honest with yourself. Is there a habit (alcohol abuse, drugs, anger, over spending, or name calling) you need to get rid of? Make a plan to clean up the problem.

P Pray for Guidance
The medical community agrees with the Christian sector. Prayer helps! Take your problems to prayer. Pray as a family. Pray with a friend.

Q Quantify Every Victory
Celebrate the smallest successes as well as the big ones. A child who shares with a stepsister should be praised for his loving gesture. A teen that lands a summer job should be admired.

R Respect Satellite Relationships
Show respect for your child's relatives. Do not talk negatively about them. Your child gathers feelings of worth by how well you accept his or her closest relatives.

S Strive for Stability
Dinner is at 6:00, everyone does chores, and curfew is at 9:00. We all need a degree of consistency for life to feel orderly.

T Think before Speaking
Once words leave our mouths it is impossible to drag them back. Be quick to listen and slow to speak.

U Undertake Peaceful Negotiations
Disputes are inevitable. Train your children with great problem solving skills before they leave home at age 18.

V Validate Each Person
Self worth is important to our well being. Find something each day that is worth validating in each person—a smile, a hug, a helping hand.

W Ward off Criticism
Critical words can crush the heart of a child or a spouse. Pleasant words are like honey to the soul. Learn to speak the truth in love.

X eXtend Grace Often
The Golden Rule is grace in action. It says, "Do unto others as you'd have them do unto you."

Y Yield to Others
Don't insist on having your own way. Look out for the interests of others.

Z Zoom toward Goals
Goals let us live with purpose. Plan to save for college, take a vacation, or create harmony with one another. Then put aside the money or time to meet your goals.

Consider posting this alphabet where the whole family can routinely see it: on the refrigerator or a bathroom mirror, or frame it and hang it in each bedroom of the house.

What is a Blended Family?

2007-03-21T21:13:00.000-07:00

You'll have a stepfamily when one or both of parents get remarried. It is also called blended family because people from two houses get mixed, stirred and blended into one.

Being in a blended family is hard. There are several problems and issues that only blended families face. A few of these are:

Extended families do not always accept the new spouse or the step children.
Both parent and stepparent do not treat children in the blended family equally.
Many stepparents have difficulty in loving their stepchild or stepchildren.
The children are not accepting the new "parental authority" in the home.
The new home has two sets of rules, and two types of discipline.
Discipline from a stepparent usually results in frustration, opposition, and disrespect.
Children have two homes, with two sets of rules and different methods of discipline.

Expert say that it can take more than two years for blended families to settle and be blended into life together. Combining two families into one is a real challenge!

Blending a family is a journey. Taking and applying God's promises seriuosly helps blended family walk into the path of victory. Jeremiah 29:11 says: "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

2007-03-18T20:42:00.000-07:00

O ur ministry is to give hope for blended families, to guide remarrieds nurture the new marriage, to help fluorish a healthy relationship between stepparent and stepchildren, and to establish happy, loving, and God-centered families.

T his site is dedicated to our loving family and most of all to our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ.